runaway

to successfully leave a place
you must not look back.

as the plane lifts off into
air and blue sky
do not look out the window

to watch what you've left behind
grow smaller.

trust me;

i have done this before.



--------

on a different note, i love this video so much. it's by a band called nico stai, and the song's called miss friday. there's something so intimate and personal about a boy in his living room playing guitar.

enjoy.

sweet things

... I found myself drifting back to the morning Leo told me that my face was his favorite in the world. He said it just like that, utterly matter-of-factly and unsentimentally over coffee. I was wearing no makeup, my hair pulled back in a ponytail, sun from his living room window streaming in my eyes. But I believed him. I could tell he meant it.

"Thank you," I said, blushing, thinking that his face was by far my favorite, too. I wondered if this, more than anything else, is a sign of true love.
Then he said, "I will never get tired of looking at you... Never."

love the one you're with, emily giffin.

books have ruined me for real life. no real man will ever compare.

happy holidays

i think i was an islander in a past life...
hawaii was amazing. i'm moving there as soon as i can.


hope you all have a lovely holiday. two weeks of nothing to do but write, read, and breathe free.

be love <3

vacation!

two days till hawaii...



be love <3

never stay long

you thought i wasn't looking
when you slipped the photograph
out of the frame into your pocket

but i knew



it is impossible to leave
a place without taking something
of it with you.


---
yesterday was my birthday.
i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

betrayal

a betrayal is the worst kind of heartbreak there is.
it’s a knife in the back.
it’s a lie told through a smile.
it’s reaching out for a hand and coming back, palms empty.
it’s the cold realization that nothing is ever as it seems, and that we were never as we thought we were.

honesty is unflinching. it’s the greatest form of love there is. to be honest with someone is to say, i love you enough to tell you the truth. i love you more than my pride, more than my own self importance.

i’ve never been one to trust easily, never been one to collect friends on the cloak of my back. but eventually you realize that no one can go through life alone, and you pick your family, and you love them with a fierceness that births a thousand brand-new suns.

i would take anger over disappointment any day of the week. anger is a fire that breathes only temporarily. disappointment festers. it swims in veins and builds itself a home behind the ribcage.

i am disappointed. in this web that i’ve been caught up in. i want nothing to do with this- i never wanted anything to do with any of this. i only ever wanted anything to do with you.

sister-girls: all of you. it’s a shame you didn’t know me as well as i thought you did.

blood promise

do not whisper forever
against the soft pink of me



son of adam,
you are naught but a number of days

Hearbreak

I'm a little bit heartbroken.
If you've been reading my blog for a while now, I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that I don't give my heart away easily. I've only been in LOVE love a few times. My most serious relationship involved John Mayer. Then there was still is Chuck Bass. (What? the word relationship is up for interpretation, is it not? Your idea of a relationship might not be my idea of a relationship).
But before them there was Aladdin Tarzan Tuxedo Mask my first true love. Prince William.
I was fourteen when I saw an interview with him on the news and my heart went pitter-patter. I looked into at his on the television screen and I knew that we were destiny.
Don't forget I was in middle school: from my standpoint he had a lot of things going for him. He didn't wear braces and get food stuck in them. He didn't snap bra straps. And most importantly, he was a prince, and as loathe as I am to admit, one of my secret fantasies still is was to grow up to become a princess.

True, I didn't find him at all amazingly attractive, but he was a prince and no one is perfect.

But it just wasn't meant to be. The universe has conspired against me, and P.W has chosen to make another woman his bride. He just couldn't hold out any longer. To be honest, I don't resent him for it at all. There is only so long that someone can wait.

If only I had moved to England when I first saw him. If only I had followed my heart.
If only, if only.

I wonder if John Mayer's still single...

hi.

i don't write enough, i know it.
i miss you all. i miss summer. the weather was warm, and i could stay up all night, and sleep in the next day. but mostly, i wrote. and wrote. and wrote.
i don't do much of that anymore.

hope you're all doing lovely.

be love <3

what is left of the promised land

the town is in ruins, but i think that's a good thing. it means we fought, and we fought hard. it means we didn't let them take us in our sleep, but we made the walls fall.


we brought the city to its knees.

unnameable unnamed one

it's too late tonight, and i should be in bed, but it's one of those nights-

--
be love<3

the sky.

and sometimes i think that if the sky were to smile she would resemble you- bright eyed with stars in her teeth, you can wear her like a blanket.

i wonder, then, if i were to tilt my head back and open my mouth wide
would she place the sun on the tip of my tongue?


--------
i've missed you all.
be love<3

the edge is the end

i don't know where it is we are going, all i know is that we are headed there too fast, that we will arrive there far too soon.
we will arrive in the winter a long time from now. the trees will rattle like a thousand angry skeletons.
we will wait while the end of the world creeps up on us. it will lick at our ankles with it's dark tongue.
it will whisper: you have been running the wrong way. you should have followed the north star. it would have led you backwards into your mother's body.

therapy

I've been tagged by the fabulous Erimentha to do Cassie's Therapy Tag! It's from a show called Skins, and it's a therapy video from one of the characters named Cassie. You can watch HER therapy video here.
I like doing this. It's like cleaning out my closet.

The task is: fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include. Also, please make sure you link it back to me, and link it onto 3 other blogs you admire!

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with well worn hoodys and girls who don't wear any makeup.
I like the feeling you get when you write something beautiful
I like poetry. a lot.
I like boys who write poetry a lot more
I like when the weather isn't too hot or too cold, but just perfect
I like a job well done
I like when everything falls into place again
I like the calm after the storm
I like british accents
I like good books
I like perfect hair days
I like getting things off my chest
I love the start of a new school year
Today I woke up and couldn't remember the dream I had
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate
I hate not being able to choose. I hate that I have to choose at all
I hate not knowing
I hate missing so many people and not being able to do anything about it
I hate that we promised we'd keep in touch, but we haven't
I hate that things will never be THAT way again. I hate that everything's different
I hate people who are spoilt and don't realize how good they have it
I hate that I'm not strong enough, I hate that I'm not as strong as I thought I was
I hate you for disappointing me. I hate that you don't care enough to change.
I hate that's it's raining outside. all. the. time.
I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

be love<3

"just so you know shame is five fingered"

it's a memory that haunts me. it creeps up on me on sunny days. reminds me of the things i most want to forget. it's a reoccurring nightmare. it's a half healed bruise on a cheek, hot and hollow.
most of all it's lasting.
it lives in me. the worst part of you has become the worst part of me.
it clings to me like fabric clings to wet skin, slick and unforgiving.
unforgiving.unforgiving.unforgiving.

a secret that lives in the back of my mind like a caged beast. it rears it's ugly head when i least expect it. please leave me alone, i don't want to remember.

i would give you the world if you could help me forget.
please. whisper new memories into my blood.

it's a new year

It's a new year. Well, not technically, but if you're under the age of 25 than you know what I mean because our lives revolve around the school year. Sadly.
And every new year practically REQUIRES a list of resolutions. A list of ways you will better your life. A list that will gather dust under your bed change your life. So here are my resolutions. Here are the things that I will do this coming year, the code that I will live by! Hurrah! I challenge you, as a self declared life coach (what?! it is all about speaking with conviction. trust me.), to make your very own new years list. It'll change your life. It can change your life. If you let it, that is. So, without further ado...

1) I will eat healthy. I realize that I have been saying this forever, but this time I actually mean it. My body is a temple, my body is a temple, my body is a temple... this mantra is to be repeated 50 times before bed.

2) I will do all my homework. I'm an expert slacker, but I've managed to get by unscathed. My luck is due to run out soon.

3) I will be organized. I will realize that my floor does not serve as additional closet space, and I really am sick and tired of waking up an hour early just to find my phone.

4) I will get to know more hot guys people. Hot guys people hot guys people can be amazing, if you give them a chance. This is why I will view everyone I meet as a potential boyfriend. Friend. Friend. If they happen to be boys? I don't discriminate. I am an equal opportunity befriender.

5) I will write. Because I have things to say and a captivated fan base that deserves it stories to tell and pictures to paint. Metaphorical pictures, that is. Unless I'm on the receiving end of a camera.

6) I will get over my obsession with Chuck Bass. Oh, who am I kidding. Our relationship (okay, I realize that is a bit of a stretch) is well documented. Case in point.

7) I will save money. I will, I will, I will. I am a fan of nice, expensive shoes that I cannot afford. I would like to be able to afford them.

8) I will follow this list. I will let it change my life. This took a substantial amount of time, and I will NOT let it go to waste.

Change is in the air! Challenge yourselves, push the edge a bit. As Dr. Seuss said, You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose. Truer words have never been spoken.

be love <3

jamila

if you are going to love, love completely. anything worth doing is worth doing well

love the love that is so heavy it holds you down like a lifeline, like a paperweight.

love the love that is so fierce it causes a thousand brand new suns to rise and set inside you.

love the love that is so bright it's blinding.

love the love that's so much like home you can see your history in its eyes.

love the love that is love in love. the love that makes the angels in your gut spin in spirals. the love that brings you closer to god and heaven. the love that took you in its hand and shaped you.

love the love that is hard and unyielding as the earth.

love that is flawed. love the love that is forever.


---

this is inspired by Rachel McKibbens' poem last love which you can (and should!) read here

be love.

just one of those nights

it's times like these, when the rest of the world dreams of rainbows and butterflies, and i sit awake in the infinite night, that i feel alone. my heart is heavy, a concrete block in the pit of my chest that i can't breathe away.

in a few short hours it will be morning, and in a few short hours after that, it will be the next day, and i wonder if this is what it's all about, if this is what i've been waiting my whole life for, or if maybe i'm still waiting. and maybe that's my fate. to wait alone at the side of the road for something i can't name, only to be run over by the days that bleed into one another.

i'm alone, in every sense of the word, but maybe we all are. we keep everything inside us- our past, our problems, or questions, the fluttering of our hearts and minds, until it all becomes to heavy. until your knees buckle and you kneel as if in prayer, and you cry to god or whatever it is you believe in, and you say: it's too much. i can't do this anymore. not alone, not at all. you peel yourself off the slick ground. you crawl into bed and hold yourself like you are trying to keep from breaking, and you wait.

you wait for sleep to come.

good night
-j.

believe

the world is not a fairytale.
we are not all going to get happy endings

but we can all certainly try.

"I dream too much, and I don't write enough, and I'm trying to find God everywhere."



- Anis Mojgani

a glimpse!

So Katherine from Sleepless Cities has tagged me! So I have to tell you what's on the floor by my bed and on my nightstand.

Well lucky for me, I cleaned my room yesterday for the first time in forever, so right now there isn't too much on the floor by my bed because it has all been conveniently relocated to underneath my bed. There are three or four gift bags from my graduation. There is a lei... I actually have no idea where I managed to pick up a lei. There is a Learn to Speak French in 30 Days that I haven't even looked at.

On my nightstand there are upwards of 20 books. I'm currently reading Rachel Mckibbens' Pink Elephant. She is amazing. An empty cup. A notebook because I get all my greatest ideas at night. to be honest the notebook's empty because I'm too lazy to roll over and write in it What I like to call "the classics" because I assume they are classics for a reason, right? And if they're boring, and sometimes I don't understand it, there must be something wrong with me, right, and I must try and try again? The poetry book my teacher has assigned for the poetry class I'm taking this summer. Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that I will read at least one chapter and do my homework. I still haven't gotten around to it. A boycott arizona button. i would hope that's self explanatory. If not read. A half eaten granola bar. Blank note cards. An amnesty international pen.

There you have it!
I'm going camping this weekend. If mother nature takes my life, know that I loved you all :]

Be love <3

i believe in magic

my imaginary friend
was an immigrant she had hair like a fairytale
and spoke only in french

she would open her mough
and doves would fly out
from between her lips
they would want to play

they would fly in circles
around my head like a halo singing
to the tune of my heavy beating heart
is there anyone in there?
they would ask

non i would answer in their language
to ashamed to admit
that i didn't know how to fly
n'ayez pas peur she would
whisper into my dreams
there is nothing to be afraid of

finally one summer night
i climbed out of my bed
and onto the window sill and waited
we flew to heaven on the bareback of a raven
it was magical






later that night as she tucked
me back into bed she asked me
if i finally believed
it was almost morning
i was drifting she shook me awake
and asked again with an urgency i didn't understand

croyez vous? croyez vous?
i knew it would be the last time i saw her
already she was fading i smiled
and tucked my wings around me before answering
yes, i believe in love

i'll miss you

"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell."
~Emily Dickinson


it's the things that we breathe in and hold in our lungs, the things that we let live beneath our skin that eventually poison us. always.
what do you do when the truths we speak turn into lies the minute they hit the air? how were we to know that our hearts kept secrets from us?

i was lonely, and i let you into me. i opened up wide, like the earth, and swallowed your secrets, kept them in my heart, in my lungs. we river rafted through the cold blood of my veins. you warmed me.

it's winter again, and i'm cold, so cold. it's the kind of cold that's lives forever behind your spleen- the kind of cold that makes your bones rattle like a million keys that have lost their locks.

teach me how to taste the sun. don't leave until i'm warm again.

call back

there used to be a telephone connected to my big toe. it was one of those olden day phones, that ones that you have to spin around and around like a carousel to dial someone's phone number, that way you don't call people you don't like when you're lonely or bored in the middle of the night. that way when you call someone it's deliberate.
this phone used to ring incessantly, but i never picked up. i would bury my feet in the sand, but the phone was so loud that when i strained my ears, i would hear it. and for some reason i would always press my head against the sand and listen for the faint rrrrriiiiing.

i hated the ring. i would hear it in my dreams. it would wake me up in the midst of an afternoon nap, or interrupt my thoughts.

i cut of my toe with kitchen scissors, and bled all over the sink. i tried to clean it up, but i missed a spot. every time i fetch an apple from the kitchen i see it on the counter, and it looks almost like gold in the light. the phone doesn't ring anymore. it sits on my vanity table, a token of the past, and rusts when the sun comes out.

i hobble.

home is where you are

home is
when she falls asleep
in the crook of my arm
with her head nuzzling my beating heart

there was an old lady who lived in a shoe

i bought a pair of shoes that are two sizes too big. there is enough room for my foot, and the whole of africa, and my beating heart. on sunny afternoons lions play house between my toes. we could play house in the space that's left over, but only if you wanted to. there is an entire world on the soles of my feet/secret biomes that are forming with my every footstep, with my every heartbeat. we can explore, if you want to. we can climb trees and pet giraffes and sleep under the stars, if you want to. there is just enough room in my shoe for just enough of the world and the two of us.

take me with you where you fly

home on the bareback of a raven
slow down so i may kiss your beak
and find my way
i am an immigrant
choking on bramble
and worm debris
and half moon twigs

you

are the motherland

it can't always be pretzels and lemonade

i don't know how i feel about people.
they can be sunshine or rainstorms. they change their minds. they break hearts and hurt feelings, and they never act the way you want them to. they disappoint and disappear.

i don't mess around with people. they're unstable. they aren't there when you need them the most. ever. they don't ever know what's wrong when you most desperately need them to. i'm not jaded, but i know that people are fickle, like the weather, like the stock market.

but sometimes people make you laugh. they make your heart feel light, like cotton candy. sometimes they show up when you least expect them to. sometimes they say the right thing at exactly the right time. sometimes they make you realize that you are not alone.

people are never going to be everything i want them to be. they will not fit the molds i've created for them, or always tell me what i want to hear. but they can be pretty damn amazing if i'm willing to overlook that. if i'm willing to give them a chance.

i don't know how i feel about the human race, but i'm realizing that it is enough to simply feel.

for sarah

tag, you're it

I've been tagged! I've never been tagged before. Well, not on the web. When we play actual tag I'm ALWAYS tagged because running is not the most flattering form of activity I'm nice so I let myself be tagged so that the other person can take a break.
Anyways.

Sanchez has tagged me. and this is the task:

fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video that you can watch here. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include . Also, please link it back to Erimentha, and link it onto 3 other blogs you admire!

Here goes nothing

I like boys who look after their little sisters and girls who know how much they're worth
I like books that go on forever
I like ripping the tags off of new clothes
I like good hair days
I like funny jokes
I like cranberry juice
I like learning new things
I like taking pictures
I like when a song reminds you of a place
I like getting things in the mail
I like the feeling you get when you write something magical
I like friendly arguments
I love the person that I've become
Today I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday

In some ways, I love everything.
It's less, it's less of a thing to like, it's less distinct, it's less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate not feeling good enough
I hate when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see
I hate that there are people that can't be saved
I hate goodbyes
I hate when I'm tired and I can't fall asleep
I hate knowing that I could have done better
I hate when you can't change people's mind
I hate that I can't single handedly save the world

I hate this, wow. . .
Sorry.

I tag ChambanaChik because reading her blog always makes me so happy.
I tag Shu because it's been a while since we've passed comments back and forth, and I miss her!
I tag Tsionah because I know she'll say something insightful and funny.

Get to writing ladies :]

happy summer.

it's already a well established fact that when i am feeling lazy (which is most of the time hardly ever) I make lists. So because I am a firm believer in the mantra Why Fix If it Ain't Broke (which I think might have been said by Confucius...), here is a list:

Things I Will (try to) Do This Summer & Goals I Will (probably not) Accomplish:

1) I will drink more water. Apparently it is beneficial for you. Who doesn't want clear skin?
2) I will read as much as humanely possible. The classics, too. They're classics for a reason, right?
3) I will exercise in whichever manner I see fit. Like intense shopping sprees, writing by hand... and so on and so forth
4) I will not plan on writing a book. I've said I would write a book for the past two summers, and there is only so much failure a girl can take. I will, however, write and write well.
5) I will teach myself Spanish. I am a quick learner (I think.)
6) I will get over Chuck Bass. The last time I saw him he was shot, and I am young. I cannot pine for someone in a coma.
7) I will buy a guitar. And teach myself how to play it.
8) I will catch up on all the sleep I've missed this school year. If this entails taking naps in the afternoon, and sleeping in until mid day, so be it.
9) I will buy an entirely new wardrobe for University. Hm.. what exactly does a criminal justice major wear?
10) I will make more lists. Who doesn't love lists?

Summer is opportunity. It's new friends and new chances. Everyone is different during the summer, everything changes. And hopefully it's for the better.

the end is where we begin, or something equally cliché

i forget sometimes, that everything has to end. everything. everything good, everything bad, everything you've waited so long for. it always ends.

endings taste like lemon heads. the idea of a fresh start, and meeting new people, and moving forward, and growing is so sweet. but i'm afraid. afraid i won't quite cut it. afraid that the future i've been building in my head out of fairytales and dreams won't ever come true.

part of me can't wait for this year to end, but part of me wishes i could rewind and live it over, and over, and over again. but we must all grow older, and we cannot let our fear stand in the way of our futures.

i cannot stand in the way of my own light.

i must not stand in the way of my own light.

i will not stand in the way of my own light.

like dark chocolate. it's bittersweet.

come live in the space i've made for you in my heart.

when they told us that the world is ours
they lied.
the world does not belong to us, but i hope this makes it almost okay:




we belong to the world.
you belong to me.
but more importantly, i belong to you.

we've fallen on hard times

when I said there was nothing
I wanted more than the job

I lied.

what I meant to say
was that I’ve fallen on hard times
and I can’t take the sound
of her belly
growling at me angrily
anymore

and the walls start closing in..

scratch/claw/tear
bring down the walls
walls covered in peeling sky blue wallpaper
kick down the doors
the barricades
that keep out the sunshine
open the blinds
watch the dust flutter in the air
watch it settle like snow
open up the window

let in the world

hmmm. so i guess i'm a poet, now...?

we were never meant to be concrete

this is inspired by my lovely friend tsionah, and her most recent post (read her, she's fabulous.)

it isn’t you that makes my heart
beat/pound/rattle
against the thin bones of my ribcage
it isn’t you that makes my stomach
dance/simmer/flutter
to the tune of your footsteps
it is the idea of the idea of you and me
like next June’s weather forecast
like shadows
and promises
like dreams
and fairytales
we are better off unfulfilled
unsullied by the world
because we could never be as sweet
as the idea of all the things we might be

requiem for redemption

"Why do poets think
they can save the world?
The only life I can save
is my own"
-Sherman Alexie: War Dances

So I may not be able to save you
And I wish I had something more to give you than twenty two cents, and stale bubblegum,
but I don’t/ all I have are these words, my blood stained journal, and a poem
so all my poems are for the world

I have so much to tell you/but no way to reach you
so I scrawl secret messages on the sand at the beach
so that the ocean can take my words to far away places
so that the ocean can take my words to little boys and girls
building sandcastles with red buckets on cloudy days

sometimes words fail

maybe it's that time of year, but i'm ready: ready to pack my bags, leave a goodbye note, and hit the road to anywhere but here. See, I don't care where the road takes me, as long as it takes me away. I am sick and tired of here, of now. The sun has come out, and I am awakening from the sleepy hibernation of winter, and realizing that it isn't the same anymore, nothing is the same anymore.
Everything looks different in the light. You look different in the light. I am different in the light.
So maybe I'll be back. Or more likely, maybe I will never leave, but I need you to know how badly I want to, I need you to know how badly I need to.

the soles of our shoes used to be worn from jumping rope, and now they are worn because we're walking to a better life

happy may day, world.
my voice is gone, my arms are sore (because i'm lazy and i don't work out, so two hours of holding up a sign is extremely taxing), and i can't walk anymore, but i marched and marched and marched.
for those who've passed.
for me.
for you.
for those to come.


karen finneyfrock is fabulous (not just because of her bad ass name). this is "newer colossus" (she's speaking from the POV of the statue of liberty fyi).
be love<3

a thing or two about me

this is just in case you are wondering because i do. wonder, that is. all the time, about all kinds of people.

1) I spend most of my time losing things or looking for things I've lost, or looking for things I haven't even lost because when you lose things as often as I do, if you can't find something you automatically assume it's lost.
2) Aladdin was my first real love. Followed by Tarzan, and then Tuxedo Mask. Not even kidding.
3) I think RPrattz looks like an alcoholic homeless man.
4) Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, whatever the hell she calls herself these days annoys the hell outta me. I don't know why. Sometimes I wish I was famous just so I could not be friends with her.
5) I'm considering breaking up with Chuck Bass to be with Damon Salvator.
6) I'll admit that I'm slightly delusional.

<3

dreaming in black and white

so maybe once a long, long time ago i defined my future by my dreams. and now that my dreams have changed i have no idea where to go from here.
sometimes i wonder how i got where i am. how do any of us get where we are?
and most importantly, how do we figure out where to go from here?
from here to there- it seems like it shouldn't be so hard, but it is. i'm ready to move on, but i'm afraid of taking that first step. it's like a false step on a staircase, and i'm afraid.
i am afraid.

and i hope this makes you better instead of bitter

i waited so long for this year, for this ending, for new beginnings, and they are here, but it is bittersweet.
one day bleeds so thoroughly into the other that i can no longer distinguish individual days anymore- it's all a blur of things i haven't done yet, and things i haven't said.
i am stuck between a past i couldn't care less about, and a future that seems so very, very far away. because each day pushes me further and further away from today, from now, and closer and closer to something that is out of reach, something that is on the tip of my tongue.
it's all become a puzzle with so many missing pieces that i can't even remember what the final picture was supposed to look like. so what do you do?
what is a girl to do when she is desperately etching her story into the sand, and wave after wave comes in erasing any history that she was ever there.
what is a girl to do when everything she has never had the nerve to say out loud keeps choking her? and the absence of the things she hasn't done weigh down on her, and the secrets she keeps close are threatening to pour out of every crevice of her soul. the fact of the matter is that i am on the border between past and present, birth and death, remembering and realizing, and closing my eyes and surrendering.

give as good as you get. so i am asking you to reach out into the dark, and turn on a light switch, wait while my eyes adjust to the brightness. take me by the hand, and walk beside me, no matter what path i choose. i've forgotten where i've come from, and i have no idea where i'm going, and as badly as i want you to show me the way, i know that i must fight my own battles, find my own way. i will get hopelessly lost, make wrong turn after wrong turn, but it is all in the hope that i will one day find what it is i've misplaced, one day remember what it is i've forgotten, one day realize what it is i've known all along.

so all i ask is that you please, please, please, just walk beside me.

and it all goes on.

"i am truly sorry about all this i envy you your ignorance i hear that it's bliss."
god. ani difranco is genius.
i've been thinking lately that the world is a ridiculously ugly, ugly place. it's cold, and heartless. it'll take everything away from you, everything you've worked so hard because it was and never will truly be yours. it's all temporary. and every once in a while something terrible will happen to you, and it's the world's way of saying "hey, just making sure you remember who you owe. don't get attached sucker." it's the world's way of stripping us of our false sense of security.

i want to make the world better for you. if you are cold, i am offering you my worn, raggedy blue comforter. it's barely big enough for me, but don't worry, we can share it. and if you're hungry, take whatever you want out of my pantry and my fridge. take enough to last you as long as you like, and when you are finished, feel free to come back for more.
and if you are lonely, or afraid, or awake in the middle of the night, take my words. i bleed when i write. i am pouring my heart and my soul into these words, so stop saying you are alone because you are not. for as long as you need to be saved, i will write. so find redemption in the truths that spill on to these dear pages. find solace in these letters that make words that make meaning, that build bridges, that close gaps, that heal hearts, that spell love.

angst and ardor

It's a bad relationship.
I haven't seen him in three months. He's been away, I guess you could say.
In these three months I'd convinced myself that I didn't miss him. I'd convinced myself that I didn't care that he didn't ask how I felt about him leaving.
Maybe he knew that if he asked I'd throw myself at his feet, collapse into sobs, and ask "What else am I supposed to do on Monday nights?"

He's back now. And it's as if he never left. Call me weak, I call it love.

Do you feel like you're walking in on the middle of a conversation?
Sorry. I do that a lot.
But with him, I just don't know where to begin.
Mondays are our days. I pretend that I'm not sitting on the coach by my sister and cousin. I pretend that he hasn't bewitched a million other girls all over the world. Not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult when we can only see each other one day a week, but trust me, it wasn't my choice. The only other times I get to see him are in my dreams, in reruns of Gossip Girl, or when I (occasionally, I might add) google stalk him.

If you knew me, you would know that I have never met a boy I like liked. I have met boys that I have liked, boys that I have hated (yes, hate is a strong word, but that's why I used it), and boys who have stalked me (i'll tell you all about one of these days. it was a very exciting traumatic experience).

Chuck Bass was the first boy to make my heart skip a beat. He was the first boy I let wander into my thoughts, and invade my dreams. The first boy I dedicated an entire day to. The first boy I ever really like liked.

And this is why I will be single for the rest of my life, curled up in front of the television watching Gossip Girl. And when the show goes off air, I will wear sweatpants in the house for a month, rent every season of GG, buy every flavor of ice cream (not because I'm mopey, but because I like ice cream, okay?), and say goodbye.

For now I am more than happy to wait all week for Monday night at 8 oclock. Right now I am more than happy to be thought of the-girl-no-guy-can-get, as opposed to the-crazy-girl-that-is-pining-for-a-tv-character.

bucket list

i know what your thinking. another list, wtf. but it's not like that, i swear. as a writer i must explore all mediums and forms, and as you can tell i'm currently exploring lists and no capitalization.

anywho..

if i was ever on miss america (which, by the way, i would totally win), and the judges asked me what i would like to see happen in the world before my time was up (yeah, did that make you think of a microwave timer, or a third grade multiplication test?) this is what i would say:
drum roll please...

- I would like to see Rob Pattinson brush his hair. At first he looked sexy messy, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now his hair screams 'brush me' on a good day, and 'i'm an alcoholic' on bad days.

and that's all i got.
at least i tried although the effort was minimal

on a different note, anyone watch american idol?


it's lovelovelovelovelove.
hey cougar kara, back off!

a rant.

Here's a list because I'm lazy lists rock.
Things that suck about growing up:
1. Meetings. I went to a board meeting today for the community college association, and it was so shitty. Not to mention there's this creeper that I've met at other leadership conferences who looks at me like I'm the little red riding hood to his big bad wolf. Not to mention the fact that these retards cannot do anything in a day, so tomorrow's part two. whooooo hoooo
2. Responsibilities. All of them. WTF man, I actually have to write in my planner because I have so much to do, and if I don't do it then I'm going to be held accountable. Accountability sucks.
3. I'm tired alllll the time. This may be because I stay up all night reading, but I'd like to think it's because I'm growing up.
4. I HAVE NO TIME TO READ ANYMORE. I love books. This makes me sad :( it's weird that I still have time to watch television.
5. People expect me to actually know what the eff is going on in the world. Leave me the eff alone man, all I'm thinking about is how much I miss my bed.
6. You can't take naps without looking lazy.
7. Responsibility. Did I already say that? My bad.

wahhhhh :( i miss middle school.
wait. no. i hated middle school because that's when i went through this particularly embarrassing ghetto phase that I will be sure to blog about later.
i miss last year when I didn't do student government, and i didn't have meetings, and i didn't give a flying f)(#* about the world.
but then again i don't.
i guess it's just one of those weeks months days.

admit it, you love me anyways

hello world!

i'm sorry, school has gotten the best of me. there are three weeks left in the term, which is a little early to be playing catch up since i usually wait until finals week, but I have been unusually lazy busy this term.
The way I see it there is an entire world waiting to be saved, and doing my oceanography homework is not going to make a damn difference.

(Never take oceanography. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was in third grade. Now I wish I could go back in time and choke myself.)

So here's a list because lists are a cop out good way of exploring one's identity...

Things I do that I would never admit anywhere but on the internet:

1) I sleep with my light on sometimes because I still think there's a monster under my bed (weird. i know)

2) Sometimes I talk shit about my friends (What? Everyone talks about everyone.)

3) I argue for the sake of arguing (sometimes I even argue when I know I'm wrong.)

4) When I say something brilliant in class I repeat it in my head all day (Word for word.)

5) I google people in my classes sometimes. And not in a stalkery way (The things you can find out on the internet nowadays...)

6) I walk like I'm hot shit, but secretly I'm absolutely terrified that I look like an idiot

7) I eat mac and cheese with ketchup. (Don't knock it till you try it.)

8) I hate being alone in my own head. It's absolutely terrifying.

9) I always thought life would be easier if I was a slut/partier/slacker stoner, so even though I talk shit about people like that, a small part of me secretly envies them

10) For some weird reason I automatically assume that every guy that looks at me wants to marry me. (Yeah. I'm not going to add on to this one...)

11) I develop romantic feelings for book and television characters. Like Prince Jonathan from the Song of the Lioness series. Or Damon Salvator (droool) from Vampire Diaries (I'm sure you now know why I would never tell these things to a soul. They'd put me in an asylum!)

any quirks of your own?

<3

long past due

when you make the conscience decision to become aware, there is no turning back.
once you open your eyes and see how ugly the world is, you cannot squeeze your eyes shut and beg for the sweet mercy of ignorance because the images of what you have seen have imprinted themselves to the back of your eyelids, and you will never be innocent again.

word.

the fight for social justice is a long, hard, often unrewarding one.
i'm burned out, but i still i fight.
invisible children and the dream act are my current projects.
it's hard work, but like ani difranco said: I have something to prove, as long as I know there's something that needs improvement, and you know that everytime I move, I make a woman's movement.

ode

hello

i've missed you.

i thought i was strong, but the world has swallowed me whole, but it didn't take me without a fight.

i kicked and scratched, and i am still sucker punching the world in the face, in the hopes that it will loosen its grip on me. but the world is not daft, and refuses to let go of what it has fought, is still fighting, so valiantly for.

i'm still fighting, so you keep fighting.

don't give in.

if we fight hard enough, than maybe we'll win.

i can't be the only one

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

Fydor Dostoevsky

1) Who signs up for the email list of every cause I support (or want to support) and never opens the ten billion emails they send

2) Who realizes she is walking the wrong way in a public setting, and then keeps walking the wrong way because to turn around would make her look like an idiot

3) Promises to do her homework in the morning no matter what, and then decides not to (even though she knew she wouldn't)

4) Who gets writers lust. I can't be the only one who reads a piece of writing that is so amazing it makes me wish with all my heart that I had written it.

5) Who knows she shouldn't say something out loud, but says it anyway

6) Who has a "Things to Google" list

7)Who nods her head intelligently in class, even when I have no idea what people are talking about

8) Who looks up shoes online that I won't be able to afford anytime soon. Case in point.

9) Who thinks everyone deserves to appreciate how funny I am, so if I make a joke the first time and no one laughs, I'll assume it's because they didn't hear me, so I'll repeat it. It's not like I'll be able to hear if they laugh or not because I'll be laughing too hard

10) I can't be the only one who stays up all night, thinking about everything, mostly John Mayer and wondering what everyone else in the world does when they can't fall asleep, and the internet has gotten boring, and there are no more books to read, and the last person you texted has fallen long asleep

This is J, and I approve this message

I'm baaaaack, and perfectly fabulous healthy!

Now, before I begin I would like to mention that I have NOT given up on my "No Complaining" resolution. I am only making an exception because you are my very favorite people in the world because you actually take the time to read what I write, which means my ego is nearing combustion I really appreciate. And because you all are so special, this one's for you :)

I am sick and tired of school. I know, I know it's the first week back after break, but I cannot handle this. I am tired all the time. When I'm in class all I can think about is how soon I can get back to my bed. That and whether or not I've set all my shows to record while I'm gone. It's a billion degrees colder than usual here and I'm surprised I haven't died from hypothermia. It's always raining, and thus my cute winter outfits are being RUINED by all the layers I have to wear. My teachers do not realize I have a life (fine, I don't, but you're the only one who knows that) and keep assigning me massive amounts of homework which I don't even do. There are no cute guys in any of my classes. My immune system has turned to shit. I'm suffering from severe shoe lust, and I have no money! And I have to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life now that my mother has told me that marrying a prince and becoming fabulously wealthy a princess is not an option.

Thank you for listening! I feel better already :D

the brink of death

right now goldfish and Theraflu are the only things keeping me alive.

i haven't written in a while, and i know you guys miss my fabulousness miss you guys, so here's a little something till i'm feeling better.

cheers!

Happy New Years!!!

Yes, I'm a day late, but I have a good reason. I was perfecting my New Year's Resolutions. So, without further ado:

1) Eat more fruits and vegetables (I'm getting old! My mother would say that 18 is hardly old, but if you want to live till you're 100 you have to plan early)

2) Stop gossiping (my friends have little faith in me. true this should say gossip less, but i am nothing if not ambitious)

3) Do more homework (4.0 this term say whaaaaa! I know I've been saying this since sixth grade, but I can practically taste it)

4) Read more books (good books keep souls pure and free from wickedness, trust me)

5) Complain less (This is going to be soooo hard to do! Nothing further

6) Workout every once in a while more ( I boxed on Wii sports yesterday and I almost had a heart attack. Not to mention the fact that my muscles are aching.)

7) Be nicer to my brothers and sisters (This will be hard, trust me. Sometimes I wonder if they're the Devil's long lost children)

that's all for now :) I'll let you know how it goes!

What are your resolutions?