Aug 28, 2009

a bouquet of forget-me-nots

if you ask me what i am most afraid of i would tell you it's forgetting.
people are afraid to die, afraid to live, afraid to live, but i, i am afraid to forget.
are we not defined by our memories? by our experiences?
and the older i get the more of these that slip through the cracks in my fists, like sand.
i can't chase after them. i can't get them back.
i am nothing without my history.
i cannot build a future on shaky ground and patchwork memories.
i have already begun to forget, so tell, how will the world remember?

Aug 24, 2009


sometimes you just have nothing to say.
and sometimes you have a whole lot to say, but you can't find the right words.

Aug 22, 2009

Part 2

6. People can change
7. Don't talk crap over text messages because you will send the wrong thing to the wrong person
8. People who count calories are annoying
9. Don't wear white on your period
10. When you're mother tells you a girl is bad news, she's usually right

Aug 19, 2009

the things i've learned

1. The road returning home is always half as long as the road leaving home. Home is like a magnet, it pulls you closer and draws you in.
2. ID pictures, weather it's a school ID, a license (WHICH I NOW HAVE BTW!!!), or a passport are always ugly. Do not judge a girl by her ID card because she always looks ten times better in real life.
3. You can love someone without liking them in the least.
4. Sneaking out is a lot harder then it looks in the movies.
5. You shouldn't wear a purple shirt when you have purple streaks in your hair, or else you run the risk of looking like a clown.

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
Helen Keller

I may not know much, though on any given day I may act like I know it all, but by God's grace I am learning.

Aug 17, 2009

long road nowhere

tomorrow morning's my license test.
yes, yes it's the third time, but you know what they say:
third times a charm.
i'm an optimist, you see. i choose to ignore the fact that they also say
three strikes you're out.
wish me well, world.
good night<3

be my friend today

Hello World :)
It's been dark lately, but today the sun is out and I will take a deep breath and look for the beauty in every little thing. I have been sitting around all summer waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but I have realized that you have to actively look for the extra in the ordinary.
It's a beautiful world outside my window, and although there is dirt and dried blood behind its facade, I'm okay with pretending. The sun has come out to play, and please excuse me while I join it.

"Staring at the blank page before you
open up the dirty window
let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
for something in the distance
so close you can almost taste it
release your inhibitions..."
natasha beddingfield "Unwritten"

Aug 13, 2009

Yahoo questions make me feel better about myself

If you can't see this is what it says:
I'm really in a weird situation because I feel like I'm in love with someone I don't even know (a really really famous celebrity) or at least infatuated with them. At the beginning I used to always use to be on his fan site but I stopped recently. Still I find myself thinking about him all the time and I can't help myself. Whenever I hear a rumor he is dating someone my heart stops and I feel really heartbroken (as silly as it sounds). I hate this but I know that this is more than a crush. I feel like I am a realistic person and even though I tell myself it will never happen I feel like I secretly feel like we will eventually be together. HELP this is really getting out of hand!!!!! Thank You
Dear Girl Asking Silly Question,
It is very disturbing/refreshing to realize that there are people like you out there. Even though I am quite head over heels for Chuck Bass/Nate Archibald/Dan Humphrey there is a fundamental difference between me and you. You are insane, and I am pretty sure that you have no chance with whatever celeb you're crushing over. I on the other hand merely lack transportation. It's a little difficult to introduce yourself to somebody when you're on opposite sides of the country. I know for a FACT that if I were to run into any of the Gossip Girl boys they would be as in love with me as I am with them. Trust me. It's practically a done deal. I advise you to move on and get a life. You're actually kind of pathetic in a completely endearing way. So sorry to be so blunt.
Take care!

Aug 11, 2009

i'm supposed to be somewhere else.

What do you do when you know you're meant to be doing something else?
When you know you're meant to be someone else, but you can't because of circumstance. Because even though you are someone you aren't supposed to be, and even though it feels like someone got the order completely wrong, you can't do anything about. You take the dream of who you wanted to be and put it under your pillow, and bring who you are out to play, and deal with the shortage.
It is easy enough to theoretically say damn the consequences, but much harder to mean it. Almost impossible. Getting up and leaving who you are will only leave a hole in the hearts of the people who thought they knew you.
The path not taken is calling my name, and it is taking all of my will power to turn the other way and pretend I don't hear it.
They say some girls are born with glitter in their veins, and I know it's true because I feel it. What do you do when you're shining so bright, but the whole world is looking the other way?

Aug 10, 2009

Where am I?

Messiah Complex: not just the general wish, but an overt or covert desire to redeem the world or to improve the conditions of the world. The messianic wish is not merely a general wish for improved conditions and for changes for the better, but the wish of that private person to become personally the redeemer of the world.

So I want to save the world. Whatever. It's not like I've made any progress. So sometimes I just stop thinking. I give up and I think, The world is full of nearly six billion people. Why the hell am I the only one who can save the world? Let somebody else get off their lazy ass and do it. And then I feel bad. Then I feel worse so I put on my headphones and blast music until I can't hear the rest of the world and my thoughts pool into a jumbled mess that I can't follow. Or I get under my covers and watch Gossip Girl. Either way it's escape. Sometimes I wish my life were a story I was writing, and I could erase myself and plunk myself down a few chapters from now. Create some drama, some suspense, some life. I sit and daydream sometimes about all the different ways my life could go and it makes me wonder, how did I get here?
How do any of us get where we are, really? We're all walking around in a haze, and I am coming out of stupor. I am coming out of stupor, but all I want is to go back to sleep. When it comes to realization and oblivion one will always choose the latter.
But me, I have chosen neither. I am in an inscrutable shade of gray... I am on the path that takes you from nowhere to somewhere but I've stopped walking and now I don't know which path leads where anymore.

Aug 5, 2009

Virtue is its own punishment

Up above the surface i was just a perfect child
But underneath it all i was craving to be wild
Don't you judge by the cover it's so far from what you see
I'm losing all my patience waiting on ya to believe
I'm suffocating, i can't breathe
Let me out this cage, i'm not gonna hold back
Gonna break these chains, i'm taking control now
Gonna giva ya something to talk about
It's another side of me
I'm acting out

Ashley Tisdale

This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I wanted.
I'm drowning in this routine. What do you do when your bags are packed to go off on a great adventure, but the flight never arrives. It's lost midway between your discarded dreams and the world you'll never know. And that one flight, you just know it's the answer to everything. It will take you away from here and that's all that matters. If you don't get on that flight you don't know what you'll do because you may not know much, but you know you can never go back.

This summer was supposed to be about sunshine, best friends, being young and pretty and having fun. Instead summer handed me a bouquet of wilted flowers and slammed the door in my face without inviting me in.
Maybe next year.
But truth be told I am damn tired of waiting.