royal wedding

When I was like 10 I had the biggest crush on Prince William. I just knew that I would meet him, and he'd fall in love with me, and we'd be married, and I'd be a princess. I think that's what I was most excited for- being a princess. (What?! What ten year old girl didn't want to be a princess?)

I'm watching some NBC special about the preparation for the wedding and a number of issues come to mind:

- Why the @&(@# do I live in America? There is no royal family in America. The closest thing we have is Obama (don't get me wrong, Obama is the homeboy) and... Paris Hilton. Shoot me.

- Now that Kate Middleton is to marry the prince I am this much further from becoming a princess. Damn her. I'd hate her if she wasn't so darn cute.

- Hey Prince Harry... I always thought you were the cuter brother... No? I'll stop while I'm ahead.

I am feeling some royal envy. And I shouldn't. Because you know what? Princess is a state of mind.

priorities

“A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word to paper.”
-E.B. White

I have two midterms on Thursday. I locked myself in my room. I was determined to study. I wrote a poem instead. I'm not ready for my tests on Thursday. Anyways, here is part of the poem I wrote:

i am far older than you. my face
a worn map, my breasts a heaving
reminder. you ask me why i have never
married.

do you know now why i took you under
my skirt? i am a small planet with no moons.
i weep. i wanted better for you, but africa
has always been on fire— the women
flameswallowers. ashes in the heels of their boots.

things that make my heart skip a beat

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”

-Aaron Siskand

 

She really is my sunshine. I’m nineteen years older than her; sometimes I feel more like her mother than her big sister. I can’t wait to teach her all the things that took me so long to learn.

I think if I had more time I’d spend the whole day in the kitchen. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m definitely feeling oddly domestic lately, but I’m certainly not feeling THAT domestic.

ayeeyo- grandmother in somali

I was eleven years old when I met her for the first time, tall and proud, she reminded me of the sturdy oak tree that lived in our front yard. She spoke no English, and I spoke no Somali, but the same blood that flowed through her veins, flowed through mine. They say blood is thicker than water, and it is. It’s so thick that it can hold you down like a paper weight, or crush you until you turn to dust.

Two years ago my grandmother moved back to Somalia. She missed home so much she couldn't bear it anymore. I remember the day she left. I can't remember ever crying that hard.

We speak on the phone a couple of times a month. She has bought a home, a piece of land she can call her own, and she nurses her sick mother there. She tells me there is a bedroom for me when I come visit.

It's hard for me to speak to her on the phone: my throat closes, my voice chokes up. Her voice brings back so many memories- it's overwhelming the way that I miss her.

We speak in the Somali she has taught me, and it's often frustrating for me- the words are heavy and awkward in my mouth. My sentences choppy and broken, but she assures me that she understands. We talk about her time in America. She tells me that I am the only thing that ever made sense to her in this foreign land.

I dream of her every once in a while. In the mornings I wake up lonely.

to-do list

1) I want a garden. I want to make something beautiful with my own two hands. I want to get dirty. I want to eat strawberries from my backyard. This morning I took my little brother outside with me and we started tilling the land (I've always wanted to say that). We didn't really know what we were doing. We probably made a mess out of everything, but it felt beautiful.

2) I want to take pictures. I already do.. a lot, but I want to take pictures deliberately. I want to capture something beautiful that will last. I want to look back at now, at these times, and memorialize them. You can live forever in a photograph, and I've always wanted to feel infinite.

3) Study for midterms... errr. Two midterms next Thursday. I got out my books, spread them out all around me, and that's about as far as I got. It's sunny outside today. 'Nuff said.

xoxo

almost famous

I won't be happy till I'm as famous as God."
- Madonna (seriously. who else would say something like that?




i auditioned to be an extra in a movie called Gone that's being filmed in my city.

i'm going to be famous, i'm going to be famous, i'm going to be famous! imagine, little old me, a celebrity- whoever would have thought? (besides me of course...)

breakthrough

i'm going to try and post everyday. blogging used to be so comforting, but it's been so hard lately. finding the words, that is, but i shouldn't give up. if you write than i'm sure you understand how difficult it is not to be able to express yourself, the pain at not finding the right words, the fear of being misunderstood, and the accompanying overcompensating. you don't want to say too much, you don't want to say too little, and sometimes it's hard finding the balance. but then you do find the right words and it's glorious, and that feeling makes up for all the rest. it isn't easy writing- it is often difficult and painful and revealing, but it is worth it. and if i am going to write than i must write fearlessly. i owe it to readers, but more importantly, i owe it to myself.

awkward silence

these days my sentences are full of stomachs.
here's a quote.

Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one. I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."
— Anaïs Nin