Mar 29, 2010

and i hope this makes you better instead of bitter

i waited so long for this year, for this ending, for new beginnings, and they are here, but it is bittersweet.
one day bleeds so thoroughly into the other that i can no longer distinguish individual days anymore- it's all a blur of things i haven't done yet, and things i haven't said.
i am stuck between a past i couldn't care less about, and a future that seems so very, very far away. because each day pushes me further and further away from today, from now, and closer and closer to something that is out of reach, something that is on the tip of my tongue.
it's all become a puzzle with so many missing pieces that i can't even remember what the final picture was supposed to look like. so what do you do?
what is a girl to do when she is desperately etching her story into the sand, and wave after wave comes in erasing any history that she was ever there.
what is a girl to do when everything she has never had the nerve to say out loud keeps choking her? and the absence of the things she hasn't done weigh down on her, and the secrets she keeps close are threatening to pour out of every crevice of her soul. the fact of the matter is that i am on the border between past and present, birth and death, remembering and realizing, and closing my eyes and surrendering.

give as good as you get. so i am asking you to reach out into the dark, and turn on a light switch, wait while my eyes adjust to the brightness. take me by the hand, and walk beside me, no matter what path i choose. i've forgotten where i've come from, and i have no idea where i'm going, and as badly as i want you to show me the way, i know that i must fight my own battles, find my own way. i will get hopelessly lost, make wrong turn after wrong turn, but it is all in the hope that i will one day find what it is i've misplaced, one day remember what it is i've forgotten, one day realize what it is i've known all along.

so all i ask is that you please, please, please, just walk beside me.

Mar 18, 2010

and it all goes on.

"i am truly sorry about all this i envy you your ignorance i hear that it's bliss."
god. ani difranco is genius.
i've been thinking lately that the world is a ridiculously ugly, ugly place. it's cold, and heartless. it'll take everything away from you, everything you've worked so hard because it was and never will truly be yours. it's all temporary. and every once in a while something terrible will happen to you, and it's the world's way of saying "hey, just making sure you remember who you owe. don't get attached sucker." it's the world's way of stripping us of our false sense of security.

i want to make the world better for you. if you are cold, i am offering you my worn, raggedy blue comforter. it's barely big enough for me, but don't worry, we can share it. and if you're hungry, take whatever you want out of my pantry and my fridge. take enough to last you as long as you like, and when you are finished, feel free to come back for more.
and if you are lonely, or afraid, or awake in the middle of the night, take my words. i bleed when i write. i am pouring my heart and my soul into these words, so stop saying you are alone because you are not. for as long as you need to be saved, i will write. so find redemption in the truths that spill on to these dear pages. find solace in these letters that make words that make meaning, that build bridges, that close gaps, that heal hearts, that spell love.

Mar 9, 2010

angst and ardor

It's a bad relationship.
I haven't seen him in three months. He's been away, I guess you could say.
In these three months I'd convinced myself that I didn't miss him. I'd convinced myself that I didn't care that he didn't ask how I felt about him leaving.
Maybe he knew that if he asked I'd throw myself at his feet, collapse into sobs, and ask "What else am I supposed to do on Monday nights?"

He's back now. And it's as if he never left. Call me weak, I call it love.

Do you feel like you're walking in on the middle of a conversation?
Sorry. I do that a lot.
But with him, I just don't know where to begin.
Mondays are our days. I pretend that I'm not sitting on the coach by my sister and cousin. I pretend that he hasn't bewitched a million other girls all over the world. Not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult when we can only see each other one day a week, but trust me, it wasn't my choice. The only other times I get to see him are in my dreams, in reruns of Gossip Girl, or when I (occasionally, I might add) google stalk him.

If you knew me, you would know that I have never met a boy I like liked. I have met boys that I have liked, boys that I have hated (yes, hate is a strong word, but that's why I used it), and boys who have stalked me (i'll tell you all about one of these days. it was a very exciting traumatic experience).

Chuck Bass was the first boy to make my heart skip a beat. He was the first boy I let wander into my thoughts, and invade my dreams. The first boy I dedicated an entire day to. The first boy I ever really like liked.

And this is why I will be single for the rest of my life, curled up in front of the television watching Gossip Girl. And when the show goes off air, I will wear sweatpants in the house for a month, rent every season of GG, buy every flavor of ice cream (not because I'm mopey, but because I like ice cream, okay?), and say goodbye.

For now I am more than happy to wait all week for Monday night at 8 oclock. Right now I am more than happy to be thought of the-girl-no-guy-can-get, as opposed to the-crazy-girl-that-is-pining-for-a-tv-character.