Mar 9, 2010

angst and ardor

It's a bad relationship.
I haven't seen him in three months. He's been away, I guess you could say.
In these three months I'd convinced myself that I didn't miss him. I'd convinced myself that I didn't care that he didn't ask how I felt about him leaving.
Maybe he knew that if he asked I'd throw myself at his feet, collapse into sobs, and ask "What else am I supposed to do on Monday nights?"

He's back now. And it's as if he never left. Call me weak, I call it love.

Do you feel like you're walking in on the middle of a conversation?
Sorry. I do that a lot.
But with him, I just don't know where to begin.
Mondays are our days. I pretend that I'm not sitting on the coach by my sister and cousin. I pretend that he hasn't bewitched a million other girls all over the world. Not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult when we can only see each other one day a week, but trust me, it wasn't my choice. The only other times I get to see him are in my dreams, in reruns of Gossip Girl, or when I (occasionally, I might add) google stalk him.

If you knew me, you would know that I have never met a boy I like liked. I have met boys that I have liked, boys that I have hated (yes, hate is a strong word, but that's why I used it), and boys who have stalked me (i'll tell you all about one of these days. it was a very exciting traumatic experience).

Chuck Bass was the first boy to make my heart skip a beat. He was the first boy I let wander into my thoughts, and invade my dreams. The first boy I dedicated an entire day to. The first boy I ever really like liked.

And this is why I will be single for the rest of my life, curled up in front of the television watching Gossip Girl. And when the show goes off air, I will wear sweatpants in the house for a month, rent every season of GG, buy every flavor of ice cream (not because I'm mopey, but because I like ice cream, okay?), and say goodbye.

For now I am more than happy to wait all week for Monday night at 8 oclock. Right now I am more than happy to be thought of the-girl-no-guy-can-get, as opposed to the-crazy-girl-that-is-pining-for-a-tv-character.


cat said...

i loved reading this.
we seem somewhat similar, i guess moping and eating ice-cream in track pants over a boy are common in most females.

Shu said...

I love your style of writing.
Moving as always <3

And, even as a lesbian, I totally understand. xD