vent

finals week is the worst week of the entire year. after spending an entire term barely toeing the line, finals week is the week that all my procrastination catches up to me, and leaves me choking and gasping for air.

literally.

i wish i didn't have to cram, but i do. i wish i didn't have fifty billion chapters to read in the books that are still in the bags that i bought them in, but i do.

i wish i could say i have learned my lesson, but i haven't.

and i wish i could say i will never do this again, but i will.

fml.

spew

uncertainty is a bitch.
word.

on a lighter note, the quarter's almost over, which means i'm one step closer to graduation, one step closer to finishing the book i've finally started writing, one step closer to finding the answers, one step further away from the nothing that is now.

goodnight<3

come out and play

i've spent too long hiding in my mother's closet, trying on her long winter jackets and walking in the heels she never wears.
i'm realizing summer is over. winter is here, and i must buckle down and get to work.
reality is calling, and i can't put it on hold any longer.

time flies

pinch punch first day of the month.

school starts in 22 days.

or 23, possibly 24. i don't really keep up with these things.

Revelations over late night Ramen

I'll be a senior in high school next year, but it isn't the right of passage you think it is. On account of the whole early college thing and all.

The thing is that next year I'll be applying to universities as a transfer student with two years of college already under my belt.

I never thought college was an option. You graduated high school, you went to college, you got a job, end of story. But I'm begining to question everything lately, and I'm wondering why I have to follow the same road as everyone else.

There is more to life than SAT scores, and Intro to Lit classes. Academia is an institution we have created to make ourselves feel important.

Why do we pour our entire lifesavings into an institution of higher learning? What is it we learn in college that is so damn important anyways?

Traveling the world, interacting with people of different cultures, reading books seem like more logical ways of learning about our world.

College shrinks the world down into a powerpoint presentation and a million useless theories.

Theory without experimentation will get you nowhere in life.

College is overrated.

And I am so glad I finally realized this.

Mind you, this dosen't mean I won't be attending college.

This just means I'll be able to be cynical about it if I decide to go.

My mother says this is the argument stupid people make that are fully aware of the fact that they will never get into college.

I just thought I'd point out that I am far from stupid.

the information age

I am not nosey, as some people would tell you.
I am just really, really, really curious about things that concern other people.
Entirely different things.
And I just wanted to share with you something that really bugs me.
Is it me or am I saying really a lot more than usual?
Anyways.
I hate when there are two people next to you carrying on a very interesting conversation, and you are casually listening in, and someone starts a conversation with you.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!
Just when the discussion being carried on next to you is getting really (there I go again!) interesting, somebody always interrupts.
And this is what happened at 11:00 Wednesday morning in Astronomy.
Me: Pretending to be reading my textbook when I'm actually listening in on the group to my left
Someone rude: Heyyyyy J!!!! What's up?
Me: Hmmm? Oh, yeah. Leans a little to the left because they've started whispering
Someone rude: Confused expression at my rudeness. So how was your weekend?
Me: Mhhhhm. Throws pencil in direction of group. Crawls on ground to listen better... er I mean pick up pencil.
Someone rude: Racks brain at why I would possibly be mad at them. Okay. Bye.
Me: Realize that the group I have been eavesdropping on are all staring strangely at me. Hurriedly pick up pencil. Look around for Someone Rude.
See?
The world is full of people that interrupt the conversations you are listening in on, and make you look like a jerk all at the same time.
Gosh darnitt.

All my life my mother has told me that public transportation is the "evil of all evils."
That is a direct quote.
She has told me that public transportation is the truth behind the boogeyman. That it's where girls are raped, and kids are kidnapped, and people are shot, and sometimes homeless people that kind of smell like pee will sit next to you and ask you for money, and if you don't give it to them they'll pull out a knife.
I think you can see where I inherit my tendency to exaggerate.
So, anyways, I have always been afraid of the bus.
I mean, duh. You'd be kind of on crack if you weren't after being told that for so many years.
Then everything changed.
Just this September I decided that I wouldn't be going back to high school, but starting the early college program.
The only problem was I had no way to get there. And I steamed, and I stewed. Cuz, to be honest? I thought maybe she'd have me walk, but I told her, just to be clear, that that was the quickest way to adding me to the National High School Dropout statistics. But she said, oh no, don't worry. I have it all figured out.
And she handed me my very first bus pass.
You can only imagine how I must have felt.
I racked my brain trying to remember what I'd done to deserve a "fate worse then walking ten miles in stilletos." (how do you spell stilletoes?!)
And, no. I admit, that is not a direct quote.
So you see. It turns out she exaggerated when it came to the whole bus thingy.
Which really makes me think about what else isn't true.
Do girls really get raped at high school football parties? Is it really illegal to be out after 6?
How will I ever be able to distinguish truth from my mother's tragic attempts to keep me five forever?
Well, either way.
I'm on to her.

I am ready.
I have never been more ready.
This coming Tuesday I will take my driving license test!
*Hold for applause.
I know! Exciting, huh? Nerve wracking? You bet.
But it's okay. I've wanted to drive ever since I wanted to go places out of walking distance.
But I'm worried about one thing.
I may have mentioned my parent's overprotective nature. Allow me to elaborate.
When I was in third grade there was park across the street, but I was never allowed to go and play there with the neighborhood kids until I was in fifth grade. Even then my mother would hold my hand across the street and then leave me only to check up on me every 15 minutes. And that was completely unnecessary because more then once a kid would say "hey J, why is your mom watching us play soccer from the window?" and when I would look up she would hastily draw the blinds.
I wasn't allowed to cross the street until the summer after fifth grade. And, please give me more credit: I knew better then to ask about the big roads with actual cars, I'm talking neighborhood streets here, where the only think you can get hit by is little Sammy on his bicycle and the old ladies that powerwalk around the block.
See where I'm going with this?
I am counting on this license to be my life flight out of my boring life. But I'm afraid that my parents will, once again, find a way to set so many regulations that I will stay home because it will be too much of a HASSLE to drive anywhere.
But I watch a lot of TV and I read a lot of books.
So even though I've never sneaken (or is it snuken?) out before, desperate times call for desperate measures.
And as Blair Waldorf (if you don't know who she is I have lost all respect for you. just kidding! who said that?):
This one will be different. I need to wait for my moment, and then I'm going black-ops. Off the radar. No accountability. This war I'm gonna win.
Ms. Waldorf, great minds think alike. Please let the producer of your show know that he NEEDS me on his show!!! I would fit in perfectly. Beg, okay? And be sure to let me know what he says.

Sometimes i quote high school musical:

I'm breaking free,
yeah I'm breaking free.

Don't tell me you don't like High School Musical because I won't believe you. People say that all the time, but secretly they know all the words to "Bop to the Top," and they google Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Effron whenever they see a picture of them in People. So don't lie.
But really. I am breaking freeeeeeeeee :)
Lonely days are no more because baby J is back!!!
I'm meeting so many new people at school, it's amazing. And the thing I love the most is that I'm talking to people I would NEVER have spoken to in high school.
Not because I'm a snob or anything, but because I am a lover of all people.
But it's been really eye opening.
Talking about religion with the hardcore New Adventist, talking motorcycles with the Asian that works at Baja Fresh.
I'm learning from the people around me, and it makes want to learn so much more!
There are so many people out there, and it excites me.
If you're listening, I want to meet YOU.
But, I especially want to meet John Mayer.
I know. I'm a little obsessed.

Free Fallin - John Mayer

you can't hate something till you try it. in that case i guess you can't love something till you try it either.

I have kind of a problem.

Did you wonder if maybe I was a closet gambler? Or that maybe I snort coke during bathroom breaks?

Why so serious?

That was a completely irrelevant Dark Knight reference. And now I'm thinking about Heath Ledger. And now I want to cry :(

I'm easily sidetracked. That's another problem.

But, not that problem I'm talking about.

You see, I tend to fall in love with things before I ever really try them.

Let me explain.

A few months ago I saw Leighton Meester in a pair of pumps, and I decided I loved them. I mean really, really loved them. Until I got a pair of my own that are now in a box somewhere under my bed.

After a few seasons of Top Model, I realized that my true calling in life was modeling. Thank God, I came to my senses and realized that I would never subject myself to such blatant objectification.

A few weeks ago I decided I wanted to be 'geek chic.' (I didn't make that up. Google it.) I started wearing my glasses instead of my contacts. I wore my hair in (read: cute) ponytails and half buns. I read on the bus. Until I looked in the mirror and remembered why I never wore my glasses in public.

But my greatest passion, up till only a few days ago, was soccer. You see, I'd never actually played a game of soccer, or football as the Brits would call it, in my life. But I convinced everyone, myself included, that there was a professional soccer player inside of me, just waiting to kick a ball across a field. I was Mia Hamm. I was the girl version of David Beckham. Mmm. David Beckham. On topic. Stay on topic. Do not be distracted by talented, uber-gorgeous...

Until my PE teacher said we'd be playing soccer for the last 45 minutes of our Thursday class.

After tripping over the ball too many times to count, a head-butt gone wrong, and I kid you not- a ball kicked straight into my face( IT WAS ON PURPOSE I SWEAR IT WAS)- the PE teacher said I could sit out if I wanted to.

And that was the end of my "passion" for soccer.

ps) I've moved on to guitar and John Mayer. Oh yes. Most definitely John Mayer.

Now all I have to do is convince my parents to buy me a guitar, and convince JM that age is nothing but a number, and 14 years is really not a big deal.

Have you noticed they never tell you public speaking is dangerous?!

I'm taking a speech class.

Pause and let that sink in.

And, wait for it, my first college speech is TOMORROW!

Sure it's just an introduction speech, and I must admit it's kind of an ego-booster since I know more about myself than anyone else in that class, but STILL!!

It starts with butterflies. No, butterflies makes it sound pleasant. It starts with rabid raccoons clawing at my insides. Than I get up in front of the class and even though I look totally fabulous and confident (what? it's an act i've perfected for years!) I'm dying inside. I swear, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm choking on my own words, and then, wait what? They're clapping. I'm done. What?! I'm still alive? And they're oblivious to the fact that I was inches away from meeting my maker.

Gosh. People are just so oblivious.

I'm sure it'll get me one day. So if I don't survive tomorrow, dear faithful readers, please keep my legacy of fabulosity alive. ie: Print out the pages of my blog, photocopy them, and pass them out.

But if the speech demons don't get me, and I end up defying death again, although I find it unlikely, I'll try and resolve my public speaking issues.

Seriously. I do plan on being famous and all.

ps) listen to my current favorite song! i've listened to it 436326836+ times already. So I'll probably be sick of it tomorrow. And I know it's solja boy ! And I'm totally against top 40 stuff because it's all so meaningless, but I couldn't help myself! It's the fairytale loving, happy ending seeking, sweep-my-off-my-feet-and-write-pretty-sings-about-me teenage girl in me, I apologize.

Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Feat. Sammie

Sometimes I get serious

You know why I write?
Because people just don't get it. And that's fine. I'm totally okay with that. There's family and friends, the people who know you, but still know one will ever know you the way you know yourself. Except my pen and paper. I can ramble and rant and make absolutely no sense, yet when I read it back it's all coherant. It all makes perfect sense to me.
But still. Sometimes I can't help feeling really lonely.
Back at high school I had a bunch of friends. Friends to eat lunch with, friends to talk to in classes, between classes, and on trips to the bathroom.
And I knew I'd be leaving all of that when I decided to the whole early college thing, I just didn't realize it would be hard. I had friends, yeah, but nothing in common with them. They partied on weekends and dated profusely, and I, well, not so much. I wanted to save the world. Call it a messianic complex. But still, if I squinted my eyes and tilted my head at just the right angle I could pretend everything was peachy. I could pretend we were all friends for life, even though in the back of my head I knew they were temporary. I wanted smarter friends, friends who had things in common with me, friends like in books and movies and tv. I've seen people with best friends, and I really wanted them. And I never doubted I would find them. I thought one day I would meet them and then BAM: insta-friend.
And I guess the world doesn't work that way.
I'm lonely at PCC. I sit in class and during breaks I text, even though I really wish I had someone to talk to. I go to the bathroom and fix up my hair and wish there was someone there standing next to me. I disgust myself, I never knew I was so needy. So I'm thinking maybe some people don't get best friends. Maybe they get family and friends, but not best friends.
But that's not good enough for me. It never has been. I want sleepovers and hour-long phone conversations. I want a family outside of my family.
I used to outgoing and loud and happy and surrounded by a crowd of friends. True, they were the superficial kind, but I've always been appreciative of all people. Now I'm happy, but quieter. I've come to realize I like listening more than I like talking. But above all alone. Well, not alone, if you want to get technical. I have myself.
I just wish it could be enough.

Don't count your chickens before they've hatched. That's how it went, wasn't it?

Firstly, my dear, dear followers:
My sincerest apologies for my abandonment. I can only imagine how you must have felt racing to your computer every spare minute to check if I've posted anything new, only to be sucker punched in the stomach with disappointment.

My first term of college is officially over. Actually, it's been over for a few days now, but it's not official until your grades are posted.
You know,I'm actually a lot like you guys. Racing to the computer to see if my lazy teachers have posted my grades, only to be sucker punched in the stomach with disappointment when there's nothing there.
Stupid, stupid girl.
In hindsight, that sucker punch was a bed of feathers compared to the karate chop I felt when my grades were FINALLY posted.
B.B.C.A
Normally I really wouldn't mind at all. I'd say hey, it could have been worse.
But no, not this time.
This time I had been counting on, no, I had been POSITIVE I would be getting A,A,A,C.
But really. I'm sure I've said this before, but bear with me: The world is out to get me.
Please allow me a few seconds to whine in peace.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I TRIED MY DAMN BEST!! YEAH, I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TURNED IN THE EXTRA CREDIT ASSIGNMENTS BUT I WAS SO SURE I WOULD GET AN A!!! MY TEACHERS HATED ME! THEY WERE RACIST! IT'S REALLY NOT MY FAULT AT ALL!!

Glad that's off my chest. Phew.
So right after I saw my grades I was hunched over, clutching my stomach in agony, panting.... the first thing I did was call my mommy. After years of experience I should have known better.
What did I get but a BIG FAT "I TOLD YOU SO". A big fat "didn't I TELL you to turn in that extra credit assignmnet?" A BIG FAT "this is ALL your fault."

Hmmmm. Well Mom, "I told you so has a brother...."

Do you think you're too good to talk to me or something?

I've decided I will become more open.
Not open in like a slutty way, but open as in with my personality.
More outgoing, there you go, that's the word I was looking for.
So I've noticed that college people are pretty chill. They all talk to each other even if they don't know each other.
And I want to be like that! I want to meet all the cool people at PCC, I really, really do.
I just can't.
I'm a snob.
Yes, I said it.
I'm not proud, no, no, it's just like a defense mechanism or something.
I really do love people and getting to know people and meeting new people, it's just not something I do too often.
So tomorrow I will start a conversation with three, no, one, new person.
Whaaaat ?
I gotta start small, don't I?

2+2= you have GOT to be kidding me

Math class.

Well, let me start off by saying that Eid was amazing yesterday :)

I wish I could have that feeling everyday.

But that would kind of defeat the purpose.

Anywaaaays.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. 
Math class.

So I'm getting sick and I'm really, really tired and my head aches and my stomach is queesy but heaven forbid I miss 2 days of school in a row :| 

So I was annoyed and paying particular attention to every little thing that I normally wouldn't have noticed.

Like the kid in my math class that shpws up 15 minutes late EVERY class with a Big Mac and Soda. And then he has the nerve to come back 15 minutes AFTER break and then ask ME what he missed with his greasy cheeseburger breath.

Jeez.

And the teacher?! She is a total double-you-tee-efff. She talks in this loopy-dooo voice and floats around the room like she's high all class. Plus, she makes these corny jokes and THEN guffaws all by herself while we just stare at her like "uh. math? please?"

God.

The things we go through for an education.   

The Wishing Well

If I could I would, take two.

(I can't remember what number I was on and I'm too lazy to go back and check. Sorry. Well, actually. No, I'm not sorry.)

1.Snap my fingers and my three page essay due Tuesday would disappear.

2.Snap my fingers and my Sociology teacher would forget we have a test Monday (that I have not studied for.) And that we had to read chapter 2.

3. Never mind. This isn't working.

Uhh am I sensing a theme here?

No, I am not schizo

Dear J of Today,

Stop worrying about me. You've buried me, so stop digging me back up. 

You're not like me. You won't make the same mistakes I did.

Granted you'll make other, possibly stupider ones, but that's for J of Tomorrow to talk to you about.

 You're on the right track.

 Just keep walking.

Love,

J of Yesterday 

A Whole New Worrrrlddd; a not-so-tribute to Aladdin. Although I give him major props

"You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy."

Girl, are you there? Cuz I know exactly how you must have been feeling. Except, in my case, it was more like: "J, you're not in high school anymore." 
Culture shock, much?
Uh, yeah?
So I know you're all dying to hear about my college experience (yes, I know it's only been two days. Stop being such a party pooper!) And I'm sorry to have kept you, my loyal readers (thanks mom), waiting. But you know what they say. Good things come to those who wait.
Okay. Ready?
I love it! Just being there surrounded by adults that consider me their equal! Let's just say college is good for my ego. I mean, that's not why I'm there, of course. But it's a start :)

And the bus. It's kind of a funny story actually. Well, it's funny to me, and you can just smile politely and think in your head WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL ON?!!? As long as you don't say anything out loud. All I ask is that you nod every once in a while, and keep that vacant grin plastered on your face.

Anyways.

As I was sitting in the little bus wait bench thingy, a gankly, awkward kid comes and sits next to me. I scoot until my butt is scrunched up against the edge of the bench, not to give him his space, but to preserve mine. Out of the corner of my eye I see him checking me out so I pull out my phone and pretend to look busy texting (note: my phone has no text), trying to avoid the polite, empty chit chat of strangers.

Him: Hi, what's your name.
Me: Uh... J. (I hesitate)
Him: Nice name.
Me: curt nod
Him: How old are you?
Me: finally tear my eyes away from the phone screen. Uh... 16.
Him: Oh, dangitt, you're underage. I'm 20.
Me: ignores strange man
Him: So what kind of music are you into.
Me: Uh. everything.
Him: You know, you look very nice today.
Me: offers a smile, rolls eyes in head. Thanks.
Him: No problem, you deserve it.

And the bus decided to breakdown so I had to endure 57 minutes of boring, unsolicited commentary. My neck is still sore from hunching over the phone, and my hip is bruised from having been wedged up against a metal bar.

The thing is, I wanted to tell him to save his breath. You don't have a chance, I wanted to say. To be honest, no one, unless they stab me with Cupid's arrow, has a chance.
And believe me, I have no problem letting people know that. It's just that he was being so nice, and he didn't warrant my normal Excussseeeeeee me? Do you know who I am? use it so often it should be patented, reply. I figured hey, today's his lucky day.
(Yes, my ego is slightly inflated. It's the side effect of a rockin outfit and a great day.)

And I (or rather, my parents) will invest in an ipod and a sound canceling pair of headphones.
And then I can use a line I've always wanted to, but never had the chance to, use.
I'm not antisocial. It's just you.

Good night, World.
It really is past my bedtime, and no matter how many times I ask you, you can't pause the sun and let me get in my much, much needed shut eye. So I have to sleep.

Much love,

J

Take two

I, at the age of 16, am a college student.
You know when people say 'this is the first day of the rest of your lives'?
I've always been like, okaaaay sure. So the life I was living up to this point, what would you call that? A pre-test?

But I get it. I really do. September 22nd, my first day of classes, will be the first day of another stage in my life.
I remember when I first heard about the early college program, I thought it was such a great idea, but at the time I was too caught up with high school to really give it any more thought.
Until last year happened and I grew up some over the summer.

How amazing will it be do define myself? To know that there is MORE to me than just high school.

So I'm ready.

I remember the end of eighth grade and how excited-can't-even-describe-it I was for high school. And it was everything I wanted it to be for the first half of the first semester. But it got really old really fast.

I guess there are a lot of things I'll miss about it, but it's okay. Like the author that has just gotten up the nerve to throw out a drawn out chapter that was headed nowhere and begin a new one, knowing that this draft will be better than the last.

I like that.

This draft will be better than the last.