Jan 8, 2009

Sometimes I get serious

You know why I write?
Because people just don't get it. And that's fine. I'm totally okay with that. There's family and friends, the people who know you, but still know one will ever know you the way you know yourself. Except my pen and paper. I can ramble and rant and make absolutely no sense, yet when I read it back it's all coherant. It all makes perfect sense to me.
But still. Sometimes I can't help feeling really lonely.
Back at high school I had a bunch of friends. Friends to eat lunch with, friends to talk to in classes, between classes, and on trips to the bathroom.
And I knew I'd be leaving all of that when I decided to the whole early college thing, I just didn't realize it would be hard. I had friends, yeah, but nothing in common with them. They partied on weekends and dated profusely, and I, well, not so much. I wanted to save the world. Call it a messianic complex. But still, if I squinted my eyes and tilted my head at just the right angle I could pretend everything was peachy. I could pretend we were all friends for life, even though in the back of my head I knew they were temporary. I wanted smarter friends, friends who had things in common with me, friends like in books and movies and tv. I've seen people with best friends, and I really wanted them. And I never doubted I would find them. I thought one day I would meet them and then BAM: insta-friend.
And I guess the world doesn't work that way.
I'm lonely at PCC. I sit in class and during breaks I text, even though I really wish I had someone to talk to. I go to the bathroom and fix up my hair and wish there was someone there standing next to me. I disgust myself, I never knew I was so needy. So I'm thinking maybe some people don't get best friends. Maybe they get family and friends, but not best friends.
But that's not good enough for me. It never has been. I want sleepovers and hour-long phone conversations. I want a family outside of my family.
I used to outgoing and loud and happy and surrounded by a crowd of friends. True, they were the superficial kind, but I've always been appreciative of all people. Now I'm happy, but quieter. I've come to realize I like listening more than I like talking. But above all alone. Well, not alone, if you want to get technical. I have myself.
I just wish it could be enough.


Shu said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'd like to say I can relate, but I really can't. I'm sorry. It must suck being not having anyone around with your ideals and interest to talk with and stuff. I can kinda relate, though, to the loneliness. It's really sad. I wish we knew each other and went to school together, haha. Then we could be each other's best friend! <3 I've always wanted that "TV best friend", but I never got it... Never. I know it exist, though, because my friends have it, but not me. I want that person who we can talk for one day and then it just clicks and we're best buds for life, ya know? Ah, but you'll find someone :) I know you well. You're quite charming ^^ People like charisma!

High School Girl said...

honestly, i could relate to the part of not having someone to be yourself with and is just like you. i have that problem from time to time and i get lonely easily i guess could say. we should definitely keep in contact. we have the same mind lol.