Jan 25, 2009

I'm scared of the dark

lonely Pictures, Images and Photos
I'm trying to write my story but my pen keeps running out of ink.
I want to be important, and do amazing things, but I don't know where to start.
I want to save the world, but sometimes I'm scared that I'm too insignificant.
I want to be remembered, but I'm afraid I'll be forgotten anyways.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that I won't be able to make my dreams come true.
I'm scared that the american dream is all propaganda; a clever way of subduing the masses. An endless game of dog chasing tail.
I think way too much for my own good; I stay up late at night when everyone's asleep and I think. About everything. About nothing. About everything inbetween.
I have all these elusive aspirations that are so out of reach. On the highest shelf of the mahagony bookshelf that leads you to the stars. But has anyone ever got that far?
Or are we all stuck on the 4th rung, on our very tiptoes stretching our fingers, but never quite reaching?
I want to meet someone whose made it to the future. I want to ask them how they got there. I want to ask them how you know when you get there. Because I don't pay attention to detail; what if I walk right by it without even knowing?
Because I am sick and tired of now. My life is one big game of waiting. And I've never been a very patient person. I wish there was an airplane that could fly you right to your future, and fly over all this growing up and making mistakes and learning lessons yadda yadda.
I just want to be there already, and see if it's everything I imagined.
But what if it's not? What do you do if you spend your entire life preparing for a future you end up not wanting at all?
I wish there was a manual. Or something.
Because I feel like I'm in a dark hole inside myself that no one can shine a flashlight into and show me the way because they don't even know where I am.
Hell, they don't even know it's dark inside me.
If you can hear me, please turn on the light on your way out.

2 comments:

High School Girl said...

that has to be the deepest thought i have ever read. did u write that yourself? how do u put you put your thoughts and feelings into words?

lauren said...

i wish i could write as honestly as this seems. i always stumble upon my thoughts because they all just feel like lies.