Mar 29, 2010

and i hope this makes you better instead of bitter

i waited so long for this year, for this ending, for new beginnings, and they are here, but it is bittersweet.
one day bleeds so thoroughly into the other that i can no longer distinguish individual days anymore- it's all a blur of things i haven't done yet, and things i haven't said.
i am stuck between a past i couldn't care less about, and a future that seems so very, very far away. because each day pushes me further and further away from today, from now, and closer and closer to something that is out of reach, something that is on the tip of my tongue.
it's all become a puzzle with so many missing pieces that i can't even remember what the final picture was supposed to look like. so what do you do?
what is a girl to do when she is desperately etching her story into the sand, and wave after wave comes in erasing any history that she was ever there.
what is a girl to do when everything she has never had the nerve to say out loud keeps choking her? and the absence of the things she hasn't done weigh down on her, and the secrets she keeps close are threatening to pour out of every crevice of her soul. the fact of the matter is that i am on the border between past and present, birth and death, remembering and realizing, and closing my eyes and surrendering.

give as good as you get. so i am asking you to reach out into the dark, and turn on a light switch, wait while my eyes adjust to the brightness. take me by the hand, and walk beside me, no matter what path i choose. i've forgotten where i've come from, and i have no idea where i'm going, and as badly as i want you to show me the way, i know that i must fight my own battles, find my own way. i will get hopelessly lost, make wrong turn after wrong turn, but it is all in the hope that i will one day find what it is i've misplaced, one day remember what it is i've forgotten, one day realize what it is i've known all along.

so all i ask is that you please, please, please, just walk beside me.

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