Happy 100th

Sometimes I feel like I'm too big for my house, too big for this damn city, too big for my own tiny head. I feel like a can of soda left in the freezer that then explodes from all the pressure inside itself. Sometimes I feel like it's all too much. I miss kindergarden, and nap time, and doing what I was told. Well, not really because I was never very good at doing what I was told. But as summer draws to a close and senior year looms ever closer, I'm scared because it's all coming too soon.

I'm pulling myself apart, part of me wants to get up and go running towards the future without ever looking back, and part of me wants to get in bed, squeeze my eyes shut and force time back by the sheer strength of my memories.

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game

To find a way to say that life has just begun

Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again...

I can't take the speed its moving in

"Stop This Train" by John Mayer

And I guess we all learn that we can't stop the train, not ever. It's heading towards its destination and it stops for no one. All you can do is whisper sweet nothings in the ear of the conducter and try and coax it into a direction of your choosing. And one day it will stop, force you off into the great perhaps, and that's that. I hope when I get off the train, I hope when you get off the train, we'll be in a good enough place to build our futures.

Thank you for reading. Happy 100th post :)

My daddy he is grounded like the oak tree
My momma she is steady as the sun
Oh, you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run
Hey, cause I will soar away like a blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a seed
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams

And I will grow up where I wander wild and free

Born to Fly by Sara Evans

your absence is a presence I feel, so writing letters eases the ache and makes it feel like you're here

two posts in one day :) just because

Dear Law and Order SVU,
I'm hooked to your show, I've watched every single episode at least twice. Well, that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean. You have scarred me for life. I'm terrified of being outside alone because I am afraid that everyone on the street wants to rape me. It's absolutely horrifying to walk down the street and think that everyone who makes eye contact with or accidentally bumps into me has just sexually assaulted me. But it's okay.
Better safe than sorry right?

Dear Gardisal,
I don't give a damn about cervical cancer right now. All I know is that I refuse to get another shot. I hate shots, okay. They are painful and unnecessary because who the eff even gets leprosy anymore? So no, no, no, no, no thanks. Take your little finger snapping, hand clapping, one less commercials and go.

Dear John Mayer,

Write a song about me please? I know you're afraid that people will think you're creepy since your thirty something and well, I'm only seventeen. But I will be eighteen in a few months and then, it'll be okay. We will be okay. I'm not some crazy fan, I swear. I think maybe I actually might love you. And for a girl like me, love don't come easy. And I realize that the media makes you seem kind of like a manwhore/douchebag, but to be completely honest? I don't care. No one's perfect, well with the exception of me, but come on. We have to be realistic here. Not everyone can be me. So I will look past all your imperfections if you will play me a story on your guitar and sing me to sleep.

i invite you inside my head

It's the middle of the night. Actually it's very early morning, and I'm not the least bit tired.
I wonder how many other people are lying in bed awake thinking at the speed of light. I wish I could reach out with my thoughts and sneak into your head and keep you from being lonely because it's lonely in the middle of the night, when all I have are my thoughts to keep me company. How amazing would it be if we could invite people into our heads when we're sick and tired of ourselves.

you are a victim of the rules you live by

Society is a product, like Coke or Starbursts.

And unless you want to be a product of society, you gotta get up the nerve to say "Hey. I don't like it, so I'm not buying," despite of all the pressure.

And it's hard to do, I know, but you gotta do it anyways.

I know they told you there were no refunds, no returns, but they lied.
You can exchange your carbon copy life for another. For one that doesn't come prepackaged and assembled, but in a hundred different pieces that you have to put together yourself. And you may get it wrong some, a few, many times, but that's all part of the path not taken.

Let's be entrepreneurs, and discover the unknown... together.

That's the best part of the entire thing:

once you return your defected life, you no longer have to be alone.

They sell the new ones in twos and threes and fours and families.

Isn't that great?

fly away birdy, the open sky beckons you come hither

Sometimes I think that everyone's stupid and I'm the only person around with any kind of sense. No one thinks for themselves, no one dresses the way they want, everyone is content drawing within the lines. I want to scream in the middle of the night when it's quiet, listen when it's loud outside, sit on the roof and count the cars that go by, write my name on my bedroom walls with permanent pen..

And I think maybe I'm crazy because all the people I know do what they're told, nod absently, laugh politely.

I want to listen to what you're saying and shake my head when I disagree.

I want to laugh out loud and maybe even snort a little when you say something funny.

I want to live without abandon, love without abandon, do everything completely.

Let's kick off our shoes and run through the parking lot. Let's cut our hairs and play like little boys. Let's turn up the heat and open all the windows, and mix sugar in our milk.

Let's bring the me and you we keep under pillows out to play, and slip into the skin we hide from the rest of the world. Let's be who you and me want to be, and let's give them back the people they made us.

purples the color of royalty i hear!

I PUT PURPLE IN MY HAIR!!!
for any other teenager in the world this is a perfectly normal thing to do. ummm, hello have you seen anything i've ever written?
my mother is uber conservative, uber traditional, uber everything i'm not.
so i did it.
granted, it was just my bangs, but it made me feel good! Like I was, i don't know, living?! I may regret this in a week or so but oh well. At least I did it.
Ahaaaahaha, I know I sound lame, but you know that's why you love me :)
Chase your dreams! Dye your hair, change your wardrobe, cut your bags.
Do whatever you want, and who cares what they say.
At the end of the day, you only answer to yourself.
Don't go to sleep with a heart full of unanswered questions and a pocket full of unchased dreams.
Good night world :)

the great perhaps and other things

i finished reading tuesdays with morrie, and i would really appreciate it if you would read it.
there are a handful of books that will rock you to your core, cut you open so deeply and force you to analyze whats inside of you, and this is one of those books.
it made me realize that i want to be something more. i have taken a zillion breaths and a billion steps to nowhere and back, and i still don't know where i'm going.
you want to know why i started blogging?
because i'm terrified of being forgotten. i am terrified that once i die people will mourn me for a few months, and then i will only come up in casual conversation around the holidays. and then after that not at all. it will be like i never existed.
i don't want to be forgotten. i am so scared that i will live only to realize once i'm dying that I never truly did. i want to get up off my lazy ass and make my dreams come true, but to be completely honest i wouldn't even know where to start.
so i stay here in my head where it's comfortable and safe, and i never venture out.

no comment

What do you write about when you have nothing to say?

goals

I have a new summer goal because I gave up on the old one and I can never follow through on anything.
I want to be published.
There, I've said it out loud, and that is one step closer to actualization. Because when you turn thoughts into words you turn them into possibilities.
Chase your dreams, fellow internetters!
Happy day-after-fourth-of-july :)

by the way

I hate myself for it.

Follow me into the dark?

http://twitter.com/publishmylovee

heavy footsteps

I hate feeling like there is so much to do and not doing anything.

I don't like it here anymore.

This house is too small for me, and the walls, the purple painted walls, are closing in on me.

Back up. Please back up. I am not ready for such discontent.

Leave me to my own devices.

The windows taunt me, the door calls to me, and the road beckons my feet come closer.

It's that easy.

Walk off into the sunset, hitchhike your way to freedom, and don't look back.

Carry your past in your heart. I cannot promise you that you will not miss it because you certainly will. Even as you march on to freedom your footsteps will be heavy with the weight of what you have left behind.
Choose wisely, little one.

There are no second chances.