Jun 19, 2009

To each his own

I'm leaving tomorrow, but I'm feeling antsy.
I want to do something meaningful with my life. Does that sound incredibly corny?
It's like this.
I left high school because I was tired of all the useless, and to be honest, stupid teenagers, doing absolutely nothing with their lives. Nobody cared that there was a world outside the four brick walls of our high school. Or maybe nobody knew.
But I knew. And I wanted to go out there and discover it. I want to be a part of it, and it to be a part of me. I want to speak languages, and visit countries, and all the famous art museums, and read all the classics.
I want to write novels, and read novels, and make friends, and find love. Not with a boy, but with people in general.
I have so many ideas, most of them relevant to no one but me, but I want to go out into the world and talk about them.
I want to join the peace corps, and save Africa, and I'm scared.
Scared that at the end of the day I'll be left with nothing more than expectations and empty dreams.
I have a suitcase full of ideas, and I'm always on vacation in my head. And it's lonely in here sometimes.
The weight of my own expectations and hopes and dreams, are beginning to weigh me down, rather than lift me up, and I feel my knees starting to buckle.
The future is a scary thing, and as spontaneous as I am, not knowing what's in store terrifies me.
That's a lie.
I'm not scared of what's in store for me. I'm scared that at the end of it all I'll end up disappointed.
Disappointment is worse then sadness, worse then anger...
Disappointment is believing something you're whole life and discovering it was a lie. It's packing for months on end for a vacation you never go on. It's an empty space in your stomach that will never go away.
I don't know.
Anything, to be honest. Nobody does, yet that provides little comfort.
I used to think I knew it all.
I used to think if I tried hard enough, and stayed in school forever minus a day, I would know it all, but I'm realizing that Life is a subject that they don't teach you in school. There's no Future 101, and no surefire tips to success.
We're all stumbling around in the dark, turning on lights only to discover they've burned out long ago... tripping on broken hearts and lost dreams, grabbing hold of the nearest hand, letting go before they let go first, hoping that we're going the right way.
Because you never know.
There are infinite roads, and infinite paths, and to each his own.
I hope you find the light.
I hope you end up alright.

1 comment:

High School Girl said...

wow. Everytime i read ur post they are better and better. Your so good at writing! How do u write so well? Could u give me some tips?