"just so you know shame is five fingered"

it's a memory that haunts me. it creeps up on me on sunny days. reminds me of the things i most want to forget. it's a reoccurring nightmare. it's a half healed bruise on a cheek, hot and hollow.
most of all it's lasting.
it lives in me. the worst part of you has become the worst part of me.
it clings to me like fabric clings to wet skin, slick and unforgiving.
unforgiving.unforgiving.unforgiving.

a secret that lives in the back of my mind like a caged beast. it rears it's ugly head when i least expect it. please leave me alone, i don't want to remember.

i would give you the world if you could help me forget.
please. whisper new memories into my blood.

it's a new year

It's a new year. Well, not technically, but if you're under the age of 25 than you know what I mean because our lives revolve around the school year. Sadly.
And every new year practically REQUIRES a list of resolutions. A list of ways you will better your life. A list that will gather dust under your bed change your life. So here are my resolutions. Here are the things that I will do this coming year, the code that I will live by! Hurrah! I challenge you, as a self declared life coach (what?! it is all about speaking with conviction. trust me.), to make your very own new years list. It'll change your life. It can change your life. If you let it, that is. So, without further ado...

1) I will eat healthy. I realize that I have been saying this forever, but this time I actually mean it. My body is a temple, my body is a temple, my body is a temple... this mantra is to be repeated 50 times before bed.

2) I will do all my homework. I'm an expert slacker, but I've managed to get by unscathed. My luck is due to run out soon.

3) I will be organized. I will realize that my floor does not serve as additional closet space, and I really am sick and tired of waking up an hour early just to find my phone.

4) I will get to know more hot guys people. Hot guys people hot guys people can be amazing, if you give them a chance. This is why I will view everyone I meet as a potential boyfriend. Friend. Friend. If they happen to be boys? I don't discriminate. I am an equal opportunity befriender.

5) I will write. Because I have things to say and a captivated fan base that deserves it stories to tell and pictures to paint. Metaphorical pictures, that is. Unless I'm on the receiving end of a camera.

6) I will get over my obsession with Chuck Bass. Oh, who am I kidding. Our relationship (okay, I realize that is a bit of a stretch) is well documented. Case in point.

7) I will save money. I will, I will, I will. I am a fan of nice, expensive shoes that I cannot afford. I would like to be able to afford them.

8) I will follow this list. I will let it change my life. This took a substantial amount of time, and I will NOT let it go to waste.

Change is in the air! Challenge yourselves, push the edge a bit. As Dr. Seuss said, You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose. Truer words have never been spoken.

be love <3

jamila

if you are going to love, love completely. anything worth doing is worth doing well

love the love that is so heavy it holds you down like a lifeline, like a paperweight.

love the love that is so fierce it causes a thousand brand new suns to rise and set inside you.

love the love that is so bright it's blinding.

love the love that's so much like home you can see your history in its eyes.

love the love that is love in love. the love that makes the angels in your gut spin in spirals. the love that brings you closer to god and heaven. the love that took you in its hand and shaped you.

love the love that is hard and unyielding as the earth.

love that is flawed. love the love that is forever.


---

this is inspired by Rachel McKibbens' poem last love which you can (and should!) read here

be love.

just one of those nights

it's times like these, when the rest of the world dreams of rainbows and butterflies, and i sit awake in the infinite night, that i feel alone. my heart is heavy, a concrete block in the pit of my chest that i can't breathe away.

in a few short hours it will be morning, and in a few short hours after that, it will be the next day, and i wonder if this is what it's all about, if this is what i've been waiting my whole life for, or if maybe i'm still waiting. and maybe that's my fate. to wait alone at the side of the road for something i can't name, only to be run over by the days that bleed into one another.

i'm alone, in every sense of the word, but maybe we all are. we keep everything inside us- our past, our problems, or questions, the fluttering of our hearts and minds, until it all becomes to heavy. until your knees buckle and you kneel as if in prayer, and you cry to god or whatever it is you believe in, and you say: it's too much. i can't do this anymore. not alone, not at all. you peel yourself off the slick ground. you crawl into bed and hold yourself like you are trying to keep from breaking, and you wait.

you wait for sleep to come.

good night
-j.

believe

the world is not a fairytale.
we are not all going to get happy endings

but we can all certainly try.

"I dream too much, and I don't write enough, and I'm trying to find God everywhere."



- Anis Mojgani