awkward silence

these days my sentences are full of stomachs.
here's a quote.

Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one. I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."
— Anaïs Nin

sweet things

... I found myself drifting back to the morning Leo told me that my face was his favorite in the world. He said it just like that, utterly matter-of-factly and unsentimentally over coffee. I was wearing no makeup, my hair pulled back in a ponytail, sun from his living room window streaming in my eyes. But I believed him. I could tell he meant it.

"Thank you," I said, blushing, thinking that his face was by far my favorite, too. I wondered if this, more than anything else, is a sign of true love.
Then he said, "I will never get tired of looking at you... Never."

love the one you're with, emily giffin.

books have ruined me for real life. no real man will ever compare.

and it all goes on.

"i am truly sorry about all this i envy you your ignorance i hear that it's bliss."
god. ani difranco is genius.
i've been thinking lately that the world is a ridiculously ugly, ugly place. it's cold, and heartless. it'll take everything away from you, everything you've worked so hard because it was and never will truly be yours. it's all temporary. and every once in a while something terrible will happen to you, and it's the world's way of saying "hey, just making sure you remember who you owe. don't get attached sucker." it's the world's way of stripping us of our false sense of security.

i want to make the world better for you. if you are cold, i am offering you my worn, raggedy blue comforter. it's barely big enough for me, but don't worry, we can share it. and if you're hungry, take whatever you want out of my pantry and my fridge. take enough to last you as long as you like, and when you are finished, feel free to come back for more.
and if you are lonely, or afraid, or awake in the middle of the night, take my words. i bleed when i write. i am pouring my heart and my soul into these words, so stop saying you are alone because you are not. for as long as you need to be saved, i will write. so find redemption in the truths that spill on to these dear pages. find solace in these letters that make words that make meaning, that build bridges, that close gaps, that heal hearts, that spell love.

the things i've learned

1. The road returning home is always half as long as the road leaving home. Home is like a magnet, it pulls you closer and draws you in.

2. ID pictures, weather it's a school ID, a license (WHICH I NOW HAVE BTW!!!), or a passport are always ugly. Do not judge a girl by her ID card because she always looks ten times better in real life.

3. You can love someone without liking them in the least.

4. Sneaking out is a lot harder then it looks in the movies.

5. You shouldn't wear a purple shirt when you have purple streaks in your hair, or else you run the risk of looking like a clown.

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."

Helen Keller

I may not know much, though on any given day I may act like I know it all, but by God's grace I am learning.

long road nowhere

tomorrow morning's my license test.
yes, yes it's the third time, but you know what they say:
third times a charm.
i'm an optimist, you see. i choose to ignore the fact that they also say
three strikes you're out.
wish me well, world.
good night<3

Sometimes i quote high school musical:

I'm breaking free,
yeah I'm breaking free.

Don't tell me you don't like High School Musical because I won't believe you. People say that all the time, but secretly they know all the words to "Bop to the Top," and they google Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Effron whenever they see a picture of them in People. So don't lie.
But really. I am breaking freeeeeeeeee :)
Lonely days are no more because baby J is back!!!
I'm meeting so many new people at school, it's amazing. And the thing I love the most is that I'm talking to people I would NEVER have spoken to in high school.
Not because I'm a snob or anything, but because I am a lover of all people.
But it's been really eye opening.
Talking about religion with the hardcore New Adventist, talking motorcycles with the Asian that works at Baja Fresh.
I'm learning from the people around me, and it makes want to learn so much more!
There are so many people out there, and it excites me.
If you're listening, I want to meet YOU.
But, I especially want to meet John Mayer.
I know. I'm a little obsessed.

Free Fallin - John Mayer

Semi sentimental

You know, I really do love my friends.
And no, not acquaintances, but friends. I know a lot of people, but there are a select few that I call my friends. And when I say, select few, I mean REALLY select few. I wouldn't say I was stuck up (although I've been told I am more than once, I really don't understand why) because I love people. People in general are fascinating. The way they're so complex, and multifaceted. The way they're everything and nothing like me at the same time. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true.
I want to know everything about everyone, and although my mother would say it's because I was nosy, I say it's because I'm curious.
Do you ever drive down the road (or sit in the passenger seat... like me) and look at the car next to you and wonder, where are they going? What was their day like? What are their hopes and dreams and sorrows and fears.
Before I went off on that tangent I was talking about friends. I have a million (slight exaggeration) but there are only a handful that I consider, I don't know, maybe like family. The few that actually know the real me and don't hate me for it.
And yesterday after spending some quality time with four girlfriends, I've just realized what a blessing they are.
It's nice to know that someone other than your mother loves you. And it's even nicer that you can love them back.
So hold on to your friends, because there may be a time where they're the only ones that can take you back to who you used to be. And I know one day, when I get older I'll look back at these memories, and they'll be the best times of my life. Like making a music recording in the Apple Store, being hit on by strange men, skipping down the street and singing Natasha Beddingfield at the top of our lungs:

These words are my own...
From my heart flow...
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...

And I mean it, sincerely, truly, freely, and always.


Good night World,

J.

The city that never sleeps

New York, to me, is a celebrity in her own rights. She's glitz and glam and all that glitters. She has that ethereal glow that transports her to some unworldy level. Not quite perfect. But only if you look hard enough. Everyone thinks they know her, but unless you've shared her space and breathed her air, you don't. New York, I want to know you. I want to become your most intimate friend. Tell me your secrets and scandals and I won't indulge anyone but myself. Tell me of your tragedies and your triumphs so that I may cry and laugh with you. I want to sing down your streets and dance in your rain.
New York, who ever would have thought? That the two of us with such different stories are chapters in the same book.
I hope you haven't gotten the wrong impression. I'm not some crazy stalker fan. New York, I am sincere and I think we could do a lot for each other.
You need me almost as much I need you.

Current song: New York, I love You by LCD Soundsystem

http://www.imeem.com/urbn/music/aEp2t6WD/lcd_soundsystem_new_york_i_love_you/

I'm trying to write but it just doesn't feel write. So this is all I have to say.

“The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.”

I found this quote online, source unknown, and it made me smile. Everything I have been feeling lately summarized in a few choice words.
I've made mistakes, so shoot me but you know what? I'm pretty okay.
I'm content. Happy with the way things are and ready for whatever tomorrow has in store for me. I am writing my legacy. And believe me when I tell you it's gonna be a best seller (:

There's a world outside my window

There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.

- Devin di Tigana in Tigana, by Guy Gavriel Key

I think I've actually learned something this summer. About myself. About the people around me. About the world. A little more about the random mishmash of things we call life.
For one thing, I realize that we are all incomplete. We, and when I sat we I mean people in general, are an architects dream, never to be his reality, because a lifetime will never be enough for what he has in mind. Everyday he builds, and builds, and builds, and then one day he dies. And no, I do not find this the least bit morbid, rather I find it reassuring. For the longest time I've refered to myself as a work in progress. Tired of becoming and ready to just be, never realizing that all this time I have been. And I've been wasting my time on a concept that doesn't exist. This, right here and now. This is my reality, this is me being. I am not a work in progress! I am already everything I ever will be inside my little self. It is up to me to bring her up to the surface and allow her to breathe. It is up to me to bring her out of hiding. I can work to improve myself, but I cannot let it take up all my time because then I will have no time to live. I'm ready. No, I've been ready all along. There is a world outside my window, and I am ready to go meet it head on.

TI

Most inspirational lyrics ever:

God'll take you through hell just to get you to heaven
So even though it's a heavy load I will carry
Grin and still bear it
Win and still share it
Life can change ya directions Even when you ain't planned it
All you can do is handle it
The worst thing you could do is panic
Use it to your advantage
avoid insanity
manage to conquer every obstacle
make impossible possible
even when winnings illogical
Losing's still far from optional

Dr. Laura

I love that woman. As of today.

Today as my mom was driving us home from the hair salon, Dr. Laura was busy saving marriages and solving family crises, and I was staring out the window, lost in thought, not really paying her any mind.
When one caller caught my attention.
He was a 60 year old screw up. To put it bluntly. And he was feeling horribley guilty for all the lives he'd ruined and all the mistakes he'd made. Dr.Laura interrupted him, as she's prone to do, and told him a story.
A story that I don't think I'll ever forget.
She used to take tennis lessons. Whenever she messed up a serve she'd freak out and then mess up the next five serves. One day, her instructor called her up to the net and said: "Once you throw the ball, it's gone. There's nothing you can do about it. All that you can do is hit the next ball."
She paused and then said those past 60 years? That ball is long gone. Just make sure you try your best from now on out.
And that is the most important lesson I have learned so far, even though it wasn't meant for me.
See? It's okay for me to slip up and mess up. What's not okay is if I remain stuck in neutral, doing nothing. I can let my past failures effect my future, or I can store them away for future reference and learn how to do things right. Practice makes perfect.
And no. Not tennis.
Life.

grew up a screw up

No this is not a post dedicated to that song.
So, yesterday we went to school to get my report card :/
Talk about buzzkill.
Basically, yesterday was the worst day ever.
My parents basically hate me, and I have ruined the entire summer.
I know that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but that's exactly how it felt yesterday.
That horrible achey feeling where you're heart's in your throat and your insides feel like mush? And you cry and cry and cry and cry and then fall asleep from exhaustion..
And my parents.
I know how they feel, but what about me?
Imagine how I feel. They think I don't care, but I do. I care so much it's like a physical ache.
I screw up a lot, I'm like a pro, but things are changing. I wish they could see how differently I think, how differently I act.
I wonder if they know that it doesn't matter how bad they want good things for me.
I have to want them for myself.
And I do.
Even if they think I don't.
All of this? This is going to shape my. It's like that quote "everything I'm not makes me everything I am."
So you see? Everything I do wrong, will only teach me how to do things right.
I can't go back, so there's no point dwelling on the past. And honestly? I don't even want to.
I want to go forward. I can't erase my mistakes, so it's pointless crying over spilled milk.
All you can do is clean up the mess and move on. What's done is done.
Pray.
Pray that today will be better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today.