betrayal

a betrayal is the worst kind of heartbreak there is.
it’s a knife in the back.
it’s a lie told through a smile.
it’s reaching out for a hand and coming back, palms empty.
it’s the cold realization that nothing is ever as it seems, and that we were never as we thought we were.

honesty is unflinching. it’s the greatest form of love there is. to be honest with someone is to say, i love you enough to tell you the truth. i love you more than my pride, more than my own self importance.

i’ve never been one to trust easily, never been one to collect friends on the cloak of my back. but eventually you realize that no one can go through life alone, and you pick your family, and you love them with a fierceness that births a thousand brand-new suns.

i would take anger over disappointment any day of the week. anger is a fire that breathes only temporarily. disappointment festers. it swims in veins and builds itself a home behind the ribcage.

i am disappointed. in this web that i’ve been caught up in. i want nothing to do with this- i never wanted anything to do with any of this. i only ever wanted anything to do with you.

sister-girls: all of you. it’s a shame you didn’t know me as well as i thought you did.

believe

the world is not a fairytale.
we are not all going to get happy endings

but we can all certainly try.

it can't always be pretzels and lemonade

i don't know how i feel about people.
they can be sunshine or rainstorms. they change their minds. they break hearts and hurt feelings, and they never act the way you want them to. they disappoint and disappear.

i don't mess around with people. they're unstable. they aren't there when you need them the most. ever. they don't ever know what's wrong when you most desperately need them to. i'm not jaded, but i know that people are fickle, like the weather, like the stock market.

but sometimes people make you laugh. they make your heart feel light, like cotton candy. sometimes they show up when you least expect them to. sometimes they say the right thing at exactly the right time. sometimes they make you realize that you are not alone.

people are never going to be everything i want them to be. they will not fit the molds i've created for them, or always tell me what i want to hear. but they can be pretty damn amazing if i'm willing to overlook that. if i'm willing to give them a chance.

i don't know how i feel about the human race, but i'm realizing that it is enough to simply feel.

for sarah

tag, you're it

I've been tagged! I've never been tagged before. Well, not on the web. When we play actual tag I'm ALWAYS tagged because running is not the most flattering form of activity I'm nice so I let myself be tagged so that the other person can take a break.
Anyways.

Sanchez has tagged me. and this is the task:

fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie in her therapy video that you can watch here. Below, the bolded things are what you MUST include . Also, please link it back to Erimentha, and link it onto 3 other blogs you admire!

Here goes nothing

I like boys who look after their little sisters and girls who know how much they're worth
I like books that go on forever
I like ripping the tags off of new clothes
I like good hair days
I like funny jokes
I like cranberry juice
I like learning new things
I like taking pictures
I like when a song reminds you of a place
I like getting things in the mail
I like the feeling you get when you write something magical
I like friendly arguments
I love the person that I've become
Today I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday

In some ways, I love everything.
It's less, it's less of a thing to like, it's less distinct, it's less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate not feeling good enough
I hate when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see
I hate that there are people that can't be saved
I hate goodbyes
I hate when I'm tired and I can't fall asleep
I hate knowing that I could have done better
I hate when you can't change people's mind
I hate that I can't single handedly save the world

I hate this, wow. . .
Sorry.

I tag ChambanaChik because reading her blog always makes me so happy.
I tag Shu because it's been a while since we've passed comments back and forth, and I miss her!
I tag Tsionah because I know she'll say something insightful and funny.

Get to writing ladies :]

and i hope this makes you better instead of bitter

i waited so long for this year, for this ending, for new beginnings, and they are here, but it is bittersweet.
one day bleeds so thoroughly into the other that i can no longer distinguish individual days anymore- it's all a blur of things i haven't done yet, and things i haven't said.
i am stuck between a past i couldn't care less about, and a future that seems so very, very far away. because each day pushes me further and further away from today, from now, and closer and closer to something that is out of reach, something that is on the tip of my tongue.
it's all become a puzzle with so many missing pieces that i can't even remember what the final picture was supposed to look like. so what do you do?
what is a girl to do when she is desperately etching her story into the sand, and wave after wave comes in erasing any history that she was ever there.
what is a girl to do when everything she has never had the nerve to say out loud keeps choking her? and the absence of the things she hasn't done weigh down on her, and the secrets she keeps close are threatening to pour out of every crevice of her soul. the fact of the matter is that i am on the border between past and present, birth and death, remembering and realizing, and closing my eyes and surrendering.

give as good as you get. so i am asking you to reach out into the dark, and turn on a light switch, wait while my eyes adjust to the brightness. take me by the hand, and walk beside me, no matter what path i choose. i've forgotten where i've come from, and i have no idea where i'm going, and as badly as i want you to show me the way, i know that i must fight my own battles, find my own way. i will get hopelessly lost, make wrong turn after wrong turn, but it is all in the hope that i will one day find what it is i've misplaced, one day remember what it is i've forgotten, one day realize what it is i've known all along.

so all i ask is that you please, please, please, just walk beside me.

word.

the fight for social justice is a long, hard, often unrewarding one.
i'm burned out, but i still i fight.
invisible children and the dream act are my current projects.
it's hard work, but like ani difranco said: I have something to prove, as long as I know there's something that needs improvement, and you know that everytime I move, I make a woman's movement.

vent

finals week is the worst week of the entire year. after spending an entire term barely toeing the line, finals week is the week that all my procrastination catches up to me, and leaves me choking and gasping for air.

literally.

i wish i didn't have to cram, but i do. i wish i didn't have fifty billion chapters to read in the books that are still in the bags that i bought them in, but i do.

i wish i could say i have learned my lesson, but i haven't.

and i wish i could say i will never do this again, but i will.

fml.

rebirth

Nothing I want to say ever comes out right.
The words get stuck in my throat, get caught in the tiny crevices of my teeth, and never see the light of day. Spit or swallow. Nine times out of ten I will swallow, and the words make their way back down my body, and churn uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach.
I am not as graceful as I imagine, or as confident.
Sometimes I sit in my seat in class and contemplate getting up to throw something away, or use the bathroom for ten whole minutes. I don't why I do this, I just know that I do, and I wish I didn't.
I am not as good at casual conversation as I appear to be. While you're talking, and I am nodding my head, I am racking my brain for what to say next.
The bottom line is I am a lot of things, and I am not a lot of things, and this chasm is ripping me apart at the seams.
At night when I lay my head on my pillow, the person I will one day be runs rampant through my dreams.
But one day is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and when you try and touch a rainbow it slips between your fingers.
I am real. I am not someday, or somewhere.
I am here. I am now. And that's more than enough.
<3

count blessings, not birthdays

it's my birthday tomorrow (:

and to be honest, it's a little anticlimactic. It seems like everyone else is more exited than I am. Maybe it's because I have my English final tomorrow. Blagh, which me luck. Not that I need it or anything. *knock on wood*

Anyhow, it's the dawning of an era, the coming of age of a girl, and way past time to cut the dramatics.

Here's to another year of being fabbbbbulous(:

here's to growing left, right, and forward.

here's to another year of stupid mistakes, and lessons learned the hard way.

here's to the end of fall term, and the beginning of winter.

here's to snow days and hot chocolate by the fire place.

for every one who reads this, here's to you.

thank you for listening.

thank you for reading.

you're beautiful<3

come out and play

i've spent too long hiding in my mother's closet, trying on her long winter jackets and walking in the heels she never wears.
i'm realizing summer is over. winter is here, and i must buckle down and get to work.
reality is calling, and i can't put it on hold any longer.

take me somewhere that isn't nowhere

Take me back to kindergarten- to nap times, and barbie dolls, free snacks, and no worries.

As I sit here on this time worn couch, I wish I could go back to before the outside world came flooding in, and erased any delusions I may have had about the way things might one day be.

Reality is never as good as you picture it in your head. It's never neat or framed or pretty.

I am on the border between past and present, stuck in a grey area, doomed by own incompetency to live.

I got off the train two stops too early, and now I am nowhere. Unable to run and catch up, unable to distinguish up from down, here from there, I am afraid.

I have realized that the absence of something weighs more than its presence, silence is louder than the marching band, and who you were matters more than who you want to become.

I'm alone, she told me.

I said, sister, you're preaching to the choir.

tell me something about myself

there's something about the way meeting new people makes me feel.
new friends are like the first day of school, the best hair day of your life, and obama all at the same time.

if you're reading, i want to meet you.
who knows, you might be my new best friend, love, enemy, soul sister, brother from another mother, or angel in disguise.

i'll give you a chance, if you give me one.

Part 2

6. People can change

7. Don't talk crap over text messages because you will send the wrong thing to the wrong person

8. People who count calories are annoying

9. Don't wear white on your period

10. When you're mother tells you a girl is bad news, she's usually right

the things i've learned

1. The road returning home is always half as long as the road leaving home. Home is like a magnet, it pulls you closer and draws you in.

2. ID pictures, weather it's a school ID, a license (WHICH I NOW HAVE BTW!!!), or a passport are always ugly. Do not judge a girl by her ID card because she always looks ten times better in real life.

3. You can love someone without liking them in the least.

4. Sneaking out is a lot harder then it looks in the movies.

5. You shouldn't wear a purple shirt when you have purple streaks in your hair, or else you run the risk of looking like a clown.

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."

Helen Keller

I may not know much, though on any given day I may act like I know it all, but by God's grace I am learning.

Happy 100th

Sometimes I feel like I'm too big for my house, too big for this damn city, too big for my own tiny head. I feel like a can of soda left in the freezer that then explodes from all the pressure inside itself. Sometimes I feel like it's all too much. I miss kindergarden, and nap time, and doing what I was told. Well, not really because I was never very good at doing what I was told. But as summer draws to a close and senior year looms ever closer, I'm scared because it's all coming too soon.

I'm pulling myself apart, part of me wants to get up and go running towards the future without ever looking back, and part of me wants to get in bed, squeeze my eyes shut and force time back by the sheer strength of my memories.

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game

To find a way to say that life has just begun

Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again...

I can't take the speed its moving in

"Stop This Train" by John Mayer

And I guess we all learn that we can't stop the train, not ever. It's heading towards its destination and it stops for no one. All you can do is whisper sweet nothings in the ear of the conducter and try and coax it into a direction of your choosing. And one day it will stop, force you off into the great perhaps, and that's that. I hope when I get off the train, I hope when you get off the train, we'll be in a good enough place to build our futures.

Thank you for reading. Happy 100th post :)

My daddy he is grounded like the oak tree
My momma she is steady as the sun
Oh, you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run
Hey, cause I will soar away like a blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a seed
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams

And I will grow up where I wander wild and free

Born to Fly by Sara Evans

RIP the American Dream

The American dream is the not the quest of every American to own their own home.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not the belief that someone can make it from the slums to the likes of Donald Trump.
No, it's nothing like that.
The American Dream is all about freedom.
It's about driving down the street with the top down, radio blaring, best friend to your right, the sun kissing your face, and wind in your hair.
It's about the need in every single one of us to drive and have a license.
And today at 9:00 AM when I failed my license test, it felt like a part of me died. I felt like freedom was almost in my clutches before a 60+ drive test examiner, whose breath REEKED of alcohol, no less, snatched it away from me.
So let's pray for my American Dream to RIP.
Oh America, you have failed me.

All my life my mother has told me that public transportation is the "evil of all evils."
That is a direct quote.
She has told me that public transportation is the truth behind the boogeyman. That it's where girls are raped, and kids are kidnapped, and people are shot, and sometimes homeless people that kind of smell like pee will sit next to you and ask you for money, and if you don't give it to them they'll pull out a knife.
I think you can see where I inherit my tendency to exaggerate.
So, anyways, I have always been afraid of the bus.
I mean, duh. You'd be kind of on crack if you weren't after being told that for so many years.
Then everything changed.
Just this September I decided that I wouldn't be going back to high school, but starting the early college program.
The only problem was I had no way to get there. And I steamed, and I stewed. Cuz, to be honest? I thought maybe she'd have me walk, but I told her, just to be clear, that that was the quickest way to adding me to the National High School Dropout statistics. But she said, oh no, don't worry. I have it all figured out.
And she handed me my very first bus pass.
You can only imagine how I must have felt.
I racked my brain trying to remember what I'd done to deserve a "fate worse then walking ten miles in stilletos." (how do you spell stilletoes?!)
And, no. I admit, that is not a direct quote.
So you see. It turns out she exaggerated when it came to the whole bus thingy.
Which really makes me think about what else isn't true.
Do girls really get raped at high school football parties? Is it really illegal to be out after 6?
How will I ever be able to distinguish truth from my mother's tragic attempts to keep me five forever?
Well, either way.
I'm on to her.

I'm scared of the dark

I'm trying to write my story but my pen keeps running out of ink.
I want to be important, and do amazing things, but I don't know where to start.
I want to save the world, but sometimes I'm scared that I'm too insignificant.
I want to be remembered, but I'm afraid I'll be forgotten anyways.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that I won't be able to make my dreams come true.
I'm scared that the american dream is all propaganda; a clever way of subduing the masses. An endless game of dog chasing tail.
I think way too much for my own good; I stay up late at night when everyone's asleep and I think. About everything. About nothing. About everything inbetween.
I have all these elusive aspirations that are so out of reach. On the highest shelf of the mahagony bookshelf that leads you to the stars. But has anyone ever got that far?
Or are we all stuck on the 4th rung, on our very tiptoes stretching our fingers, but never quite reaching?
I want to meet someone whose made it to the future. I want to ask them how they got there. I want to ask them how you know when you get there. Because I don't pay attention to detail; what if I walk right by it without even knowing?
Because I am sick and tired of now. My life is one big game of waiting. And I've never been a very patient person. I wish there was an airplane that could fly you right to your future, and fly over all this growing up and making mistakes and learning lessons yadda yadda.
I just want to be there already, and see if it's everything I imagined.
But what if it's not? What do you do if you spend your entire life preparing for a future you end up not wanting at all?
I wish there was a manual. Or something.
Because I feel like I'm in a dark hole inside myself that no one can shine a flashlight into and show me the way because they don't even know where I am.
Hell, they don't even know it's dark inside me.
If you can hear me, please turn on the light on your way out.

A letter to myself

Dear J,

I really don't know how I should start. I feel like I know everything about you, and other times you're like a complete stranger and I know nothing at all. Just know that what I say is from the heart. The deepest most secret part of the heart that you choose to ignore. I want to tell you everything you've never had the nerve to tell yourself. Everything that you've been avoiding and pushing to the back of your mind. It's ok if people misjudge you, it's ok if they see something that isn't there. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.

Choosing not to acknowledge something does not make it disappear. You cannot run away from yourself. Slow down for a minute. It's not so bad is it? You're not so bad, are you? Perfection is an illusion my dear. You're acting like the stupid dog that is condemned to running around in circles forever chasing his own tail. Breath. You cannot rewind and you cannot fast forward. No matter how much you wish you could hold time in the palm of your hand and throw it away tomorrow will always come after today will always come after yesterday. Yesterday is dead. Gone. Never, ever to be experienced again, only in that awful place in the back of your mind that's stuck in repeat. Today is such a beautiful thing. It's the second chance that no one else would give you. The gift that keeps on giving. Now. That is all you're guaranteed. Make the most of it.

You're a good girl. And I know how much you needed to say that. But don't let it get to your head. There is always room for self-improvement. You are not perfect, and I know how sometimes you think you are. You are not any better than anyone else. Your situation may be different, your circumstances, your condition, but you are not any more worthy of God's grace than anyone else. Remember this and always be humble.

Forgive and forget. I know how hard it is to forget, but remembering will do you no good. There is no point in remembering what you want to forget, these thoughts do nothing but clutter your mind. Forgive others, forgive yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes and you have done many many stupid things but they do not make you. You can wear them and be proud, or you can put them behind you and move on. Remember that God is always forgiving. Find it in your heart to forgive as well.

Be heedful of all that you say. It's ok to lose your temper, but just know that words are sharp and can do far more damage than you are aware of. We are all human, we all get angry, but always be mindful of the feelings of others. Take great measures in preserving feelings, for they are fragile. More fragile than you can ever hope to know. May you never cause another to frown. You have happiness inside you, and it's a cold world out there. Let others bask and take comfort in your light.

Don't measure yourself by the standards of others. You will always either find yourself to be too good or not good enough. It is time for you to rise to your own standards and expect nothing less from yourself.

I worry about you sometimes. You're too reckless. You're too restless. I've seen you throw caution to the winds too many times to count and have stood by unable to do anything but watch another disaster unfold. Slow down. Think for a moment. Think about tomorrow. Am I contradicting myself again? I tell you to make the most of now but to be mindful of later, does that even make sense? Yet, somehow I know that you know exactly what I am trying to say. I can put together a puzzle that looks like nothing anyone has ever seen. They cannot name it, cannot identify it. Yet, you know. You know, even though sometimes you pretend you don't.

I see great things in you. I see potential. And God, I know how much you hate that word. Potential is that thing. That evil thing that makes you so unhappy with what you are because you are too busy looking for what you can be. Potential cannot be fulfilled because no matter how well you do you can always do better. That isn't the point, and you know it. Don't let the prospect of more poison your view of what you have. Make the most of yourself. You are your greatest asset.

Beauty is such a superficial thing. The tree might be beautiful in the fall, but it loses it leaves every winter. People who like for the way you look ignore the person you are inside. I know you know people like this. Beauty is the box that carries the present. Once you open the box you realize that the real gift is inside. I'm just saying that it's ok to look nice, but don't get carried away. More often than not beauty is a cover up of whats inside. Don't let the cover distract you from the writing. Don't let you're cover be all that you have going for you. Let people see inside of you when you speak, when you act. You're a diamond, you know that? A real gem. I know you look at too many girls and are disgusted by how easily they throw themselves away. No one will ever know what you are worth unless you treasure yourself. You are priceless.

What is your last name, child? Do you know what it means? Do you have any idea what it represents? It is not your last name, only. It is the name of your father and his forefathers. It is the pride of a family. It is respect and honor and dignity encompassed. You represent the family in your home. The family to come and the family that was. You carry all the glory of the past and all the hopes for the future. You carry a village in Africa, a city in Arabia. A culture, a religion, a people. And I know it is a heavy burden to carry, but so far you have bore it well and I know that you will continue to do so. Keep your head up high and remember who you are. You are the hopes and dreams and labors of many. You will not let us down. I know this.

Surround yourself with people who love you for you and in spite of you. Your family. Your few true and good friends. You owe these people so much. I would say more than you'd ever know, but I'm sure you do know. A debt that can only be repaid through love. Love is the only thing that matters. Life? It's really too short. You're 16 already, a junior in high school. When did that happen? Don't waste your time being angry at the people who mean the most to you. You wake up and then it's over. Love, love, love, love. You know the feeling. Look at your brothers and your sisters and your mother and your father and your best friends. They are what matters. Hold them close and don't let go. Whatever happens, they will be there. Love them and let them love you and know that nothing will ever feel as good.

You're really going to make something of yourself, you know that? Who am I kidding? Of course you know that. It's time to live. It's time to allow yourself to be everything you were made to be. Good luck, girl. Good luck.

Your friend,

J

There's a world outside my window

There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.

- Devin di Tigana in Tigana, by Guy Gavriel Key

I think I've actually learned something this summer. About myself. About the people around me. About the world. A little more about the random mishmash of things we call life.
For one thing, I realize that we are all incomplete. We, and when I sat we I mean people in general, are an architects dream, never to be his reality, because a lifetime will never be enough for what he has in mind. Everyday he builds, and builds, and builds, and then one day he dies. And no, I do not find this the least bit morbid, rather I find it reassuring. For the longest time I've refered to myself as a work in progress. Tired of becoming and ready to just be, never realizing that all this time I have been. And I've been wasting my time on a concept that doesn't exist. This, right here and now. This is my reality, this is me being. I am not a work in progress! I am already everything I ever will be inside my little self. It is up to me to bring her up to the surface and allow her to breathe. It is up to me to bring her out of hiding. I can work to improve myself, but I cannot let it take up all my time because then I will have no time to live. I'm ready. No, I've been ready all along. There is a world outside my window, and I am ready to go meet it head on.