a confession

i have a confession to make. it's a little embarrassing. but before i get to that there is something you should know.

tomorrow is the midnight premier of harry potter.

i have never been more excited for anything in my life.

i've been reading harry potter since i was a child. i want you to try to understand what it means to me. i was eleven at the same time that harry, hermione, and ron were eleven. there is something so powerful about aging with characters. you see yourself in them.

every year i have had a book or movie release to look forward to. what harry potter means to me, what it means to so many people is almost unnameable. but the books were magical, and in being so, they allowed readers to recover some of the magic that has been lost in our own lives.

i'm getting sentimental. *smacks forehead* trust me, enough tears have been shed over the end. i even watched the london movie release and cried myself silly. but that's besides the point.

this is my confession.

for my summer class i am required to volunteer a minimum of 20 hours at a high school. i committed to volunteering four fridays in july which would have put me at a total of 32 hours. i am a bit of an overachiever. okay, fine i'm not, but i really do like working with kids.

a few days ago i realized that the midnight premier was thursday night. as in i would start the movie at 12, get done around 2:30, get back and be in my bed by 3:30.

and friday is the day after thursday, generally speaking. so i would have to be up at 6. and i would have to drive an hour and a half to get to my volunteer site. i couldn't imagine driving an hour and a half on only about 2 and a half hours of sleep. i'm too young to die!

so i decided that i would miss the premier. and considering how big of a harry potter fan i am, not to mention the fact that my ticket was PREPAID, that is saying a lot.

and i was heartbroken. so i decided that maybe i didn't have to volunteer on that specific friday. i would have my minimum number of hours done anyways, right? so i decided that i would tell my teacher that i had an emergency come up, and i wouldn't be able to make it on friday. she would be understanding, of course. i felt bad.

today in class i told her i had a family emergency come up. she looked at me expectantly. what came next was not planned or intended, i swear. i said: "my sister is having an emergency c-section."

my sisters are 15, 9, and 4 months, respectively.

i immediately wished the ground would open up and swallow me. where the HELL had that come from? i wasn't a good liar, i was sure she'd see right through me.

"congratulations!" she squealed. "is it her first child?"

was it? "yes," i hedged, creating this fake sister.

"is it a boy or a girl?"

"a girl," i blurted out.

FRAUD, FRAUD, FRAUD, the voice inside my head was screaming. i had invented a fake pregnant older sister. but on top of that i had invented a fake baby girl that is going to be born this friday.

i feel terrible.

but it was worth it. so, so, so worth it.

i'll blog about how incredible the movie was, and how i cried self-consciously in the dark theater, later.

unnameable unnamed one

it's too late tonight, and i should be in bed, but it's one of those nights-

--
be love<3

happy summer.

it's already a well established fact that when i am feeling lazy (which is most of the time hardly ever) I make lists. So because I am a firm believer in the mantra Why Fix If it Ain't Broke (which I think might have been said by Confucius...), here is a list:

Things I Will (try to) Do This Summer & Goals I Will (probably not) Accomplish:

1) I will drink more water. Apparently it is beneficial for you. Who doesn't want clear skin?
2) I will read as much as humanely possible. The classics, too. They're classics for a reason, right?
3) I will exercise in whichever manner I see fit. Like intense shopping sprees, writing by hand... and so on and so forth
4) I will not plan on writing a book. I've said I would write a book for the past two summers, and there is only so much failure a girl can take. I will, however, write and write well.
5) I will teach myself Spanish. I am a quick learner (I think.)
6) I will get over Chuck Bass. The last time I saw him he was shot, and I am young. I cannot pine for someone in a coma.
7) I will buy a guitar. And teach myself how to play it.
8) I will catch up on all the sleep I've missed this school year. If this entails taking naps in the afternoon, and sleeping in until mid day, so be it.
9) I will buy an entirely new wardrobe for University. Hm.. what exactly does a criminal justice major wear?
10) I will make more lists. Who doesn't love lists?

Summer is opportunity. It's new friends and new chances. Everyone is different during the summer, everything changes. And hopefully it's for the better.

a rant.

Here's a list because I'm lazy lists rock.
Things that suck about growing up:
1. Meetings. I went to a board meeting today for the community college association, and it was so shitty. Not to mention there's this creeper that I've met at other leadership conferences who looks at me like I'm the little red riding hood to his big bad wolf. Not to mention the fact that these retards cannot do anything in a day, so tomorrow's part two. whooooo hoooo
2. Responsibilities. All of them. WTF man, I actually have to write in my planner because I have so much to do, and if I don't do it then I'm going to be held accountable. Accountability sucks.
3. I'm tired alllll the time. This may be because I stay up all night reading, but I'd like to think it's because I'm growing up.
4. I HAVE NO TIME TO READ ANYMORE. I love books. This makes me sad :( it's weird that I still have time to watch television.
5. People expect me to actually know what the eff is going on in the world. Leave me the eff alone man, all I'm thinking about is how much I miss my bed.
6. You can't take naps without looking lazy.
7. Responsibility. Did I already say that? My bad.

wahhhhh :( i miss middle school.
wait. no. i hated middle school because that's when i went through this particularly embarrassing ghetto phase that I will be sure to blog about later.
i miss last year when I didn't do student government, and i didn't have meetings, and i didn't give a flying f)(#* about the world.
but then again i don't.
i guess it's just one of those weeks months days.

i can't be the only one

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

Fydor Dostoevsky

1) Who signs up for the email list of every cause I support (or want to support) and never opens the ten billion emails they send

2) Who realizes she is walking the wrong way in a public setting, and then keeps walking the wrong way because to turn around would make her look like an idiot

3) Promises to do her homework in the morning no matter what, and then decides not to (even though she knew she wouldn't)

4) Who gets writers lust. I can't be the only one who reads a piece of writing that is so amazing it makes me wish with all my heart that I had written it.

5) Who knows she shouldn't say something out loud, but says it anyway

6) Who has a "Things to Google" list

7)Who nods her head intelligently in class, even when I have no idea what people are talking about

8) Who looks up shoes online that I won't be able to afford anytime soon. Case in point.

9) Who thinks everyone deserves to appreciate how funny I am, so if I make a joke the first time and no one laughs, I'll assume it's because they didn't hear me, so I'll repeat it. It's not like I'll be able to hear if they laugh or not because I'll be laughing too hard

10) I can't be the only one who stays up all night, thinking about everything, mostly John Mayer and wondering what everyone else in the world does when they can't fall asleep, and the internet has gotten boring, and there are no more books to read, and the last person you texted has fallen long asleep

This is J, and I approve this message

I'm baaaaack, and perfectly fabulous healthy!

Now, before I begin I would like to mention that I have NOT given up on my "No Complaining" resolution. I am only making an exception because you are my very favorite people in the world because you actually take the time to read what I write, which means my ego is nearing combustion I really appreciate. And because you all are so special, this one's for you :)

I am sick and tired of school. I know, I know it's the first week back after break, but I cannot handle this. I am tired all the time. When I'm in class all I can think about is how soon I can get back to my bed. That and whether or not I've set all my shows to record while I'm gone. It's a billion degrees colder than usual here and I'm surprised I haven't died from hypothermia. It's always raining, and thus my cute winter outfits are being RUINED by all the layers I have to wear. My teachers do not realize I have a life (fine, I don't, but you're the only one who knows that) and keep assigning me massive amounts of homework which I don't even do. There are no cute guys in any of my classes. My immune system has turned to shit. I'm suffering from severe shoe lust, and I have no money! And I have to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life now that my mother has told me that marrying a prince and becoming fabulously wealthy a princess is not an option.

Thank you for listening! I feel better already :D

the brink of death

right now goldfish and Theraflu are the only things keeping me alive.

i haven't written in a while, and i know you guys miss my fabulousness miss you guys, so here's a little something till i'm feeling better.

get well soon

Procrastination is a disease. A serious, serious disease. The poor, poor victims of this disease are too often blamed for being lazy, when they are in fact, very, very sick. There are many horrible side effects of procrastination, including but not limited to:
- Lack of sleep
- Sudden onset of stress
- Lack of sleep
- Skin problems from lack of sleep
- Crankiness from lack of sleep
- Falling asleep in class and getting yelled at because of lack of sleep

Is there a Procrastinator's Anonymous or something?
If so please let me know. If not please let me know so I can start one.
I'm always looking for shit to put on my college apps.
The ones I haven't started yet.

Normal people don't like pain.

I'm sick :/

I woke up at four this morning with the worst stomach ache ever, followed by hours of porcelain worship.

TMI, I know.

I am exhausted. My tummy hurts. I missed my first day of classes. But above all, I am not allowed to eat anything. I'm only allowed to drink "clear liquids". So now I am angry.

Because nothing stands between me and my food.

Oh wait, wait!

Gossip girl is on tonight :)

Two words: Chuck Bass.

What was that I said about feeling sick...?

Gossip girl (or more specifically, Chuck, Nate, and Dan): A cure for what ails you.

A Whole New Worrrrlddd; a not-so-tribute to Aladdin. Although I give him major props

"You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy."

Girl, are you there? Cuz I know exactly how you must have been feeling. Except, in my case, it was more like: "J, you're not in high school anymore." 
Culture shock, much?
Uh, yeah?
So I know you're all dying to hear about my college experience (yes, I know it's only been two days. Stop being such a party pooper!) And I'm sorry to have kept you, my loyal readers (thanks mom), waiting. But you know what they say. Good things come to those who wait.
Okay. Ready?
I love it! Just being there surrounded by adults that consider me their equal! Let's just say college is good for my ego. I mean, that's not why I'm there, of course. But it's a start :)

And the bus. It's kind of a funny story actually. Well, it's funny to me, and you can just smile politely and think in your head WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL ON?!!? As long as you don't say anything out loud. All I ask is that you nod every once in a while, and keep that vacant grin plastered on your face.

Anyways.

As I was sitting in the little bus wait bench thingy, a gankly, awkward kid comes and sits next to me. I scoot until my butt is scrunched up against the edge of the bench, not to give him his space, but to preserve mine. Out of the corner of my eye I see him checking me out so I pull out my phone and pretend to look busy texting (note: my phone has no text), trying to avoid the polite, empty chit chat of strangers.

Him: Hi, what's your name.
Me: Uh... J. (I hesitate)
Him: Nice name.
Me: curt nod
Him: How old are you?
Me: finally tear my eyes away from the phone screen. Uh... 16.
Him: Oh, dangitt, you're underage. I'm 20.
Me: ignores strange man
Him: So what kind of music are you into.
Me: Uh. everything.
Him: You know, you look very nice today.
Me: offers a smile, rolls eyes in head. Thanks.
Him: No problem, you deserve it.

And the bus decided to breakdown so I had to endure 57 minutes of boring, unsolicited commentary. My neck is still sore from hunching over the phone, and my hip is bruised from having been wedged up against a metal bar.

The thing is, I wanted to tell him to save his breath. You don't have a chance, I wanted to say. To be honest, no one, unless they stab me with Cupid's arrow, has a chance.
And believe me, I have no problem letting people know that. It's just that he was being so nice, and he didn't warrant my normal Excussseeeeeee me? Do you know who I am? use it so often it should be patented, reply. I figured hey, today's his lucky day.
(Yes, my ego is slightly inflated. It's the side effect of a rockin outfit and a great day.)

And I (or rather, my parents) will invest in an ipod and a sound canceling pair of headphones.
And then I can use a line I've always wanted to, but never had the chance to, use.
I'm not antisocial. It's just you.

Good night, World.
It really is past my bedtime, and no matter how many times I ask you, you can't pause the sun and let me get in my much, much needed shut eye. So I have to sleep.

Much love,

J

Since the break of dawn

So it's Monday morning. Again.
God, not to sound pessimistic or anything, but I HATE Mondays. I know this probably sounds ridiculous since I have no school until next next week, but it's the principle of the thing.
I mean, I probably wouldn't mind it so much if I were sleeping like any normal person, but my idiot of a little brother has been up since the break of dawn watching his PBS so-called educational cartoons.
And I guess I could go upstairs and sleep, but he's psycho and you never know what he'll get into. So I'll be staying down here, more for my safety than anything else.
Listening to the irritating drones of Clifford.
Everyone knows they save the shitty stuff for really late at night and really early in the morning.
Yes, I heard that voice. That insightfulness that takes the tone of my mother had just informed me that 9 o clock, is considered neither.